Worth It

I’ve been laying in bed since 8:30, trying to convince myself that falling asleep is a good thing, that if I just sleep this off I’m going to feel better. I’ve been laying in darkness for the past two hours, its almost 2 am and still I am awake. My mind is far too ravaged to let me sleep as I ponder the demise of yet another failed relationship.

He asked me to give up… Its funny, I had someone point out to me that the reason I have been dumped so many times is because I am just too damn loyal and tenacious to ever walk away. I’m certain it’s a curse that was placed upon me as an infant by some wretched witch because this nightmare of a character flaw could only exist in a fairytale…

He had to ask me to give up hope, let go, and move on. Yet here I am, wide awake in the middle of the night, too afraid that if I go to sleep then everything will be final and complete, the last period dotted at the end of the sentence and the ending of yet another chapter in my sorry excuse for a love life.

I suffer from a sickness that is to say I suffer from an incurable hope. A hope that maybe, just maybe its not over. That any second my phone is going to resound with a text message from him reading that we aren’t really through, that he loves me to the end of the earth and that there is nothing that could come between us. No amount of fighting could ever come between a love as strong and powerful as ours. This hope fuels me to jump out of bed at the sound of any cars passing by and rush to my window, because it could be him parking out front and here to save me from the fit of tears stained pillows I’ve been drowning myself in. This disgusting and pitiful hope helps me hold on to a fantasy world that doesn’t exist. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, but if this were true, wouldn’t he be here now to rescue me?

There have been times I have gotten after myself for such illusions. It was once my belief that if the poor guy couldn’t just sense how upset I was then he wasn’t the right guy for me, but those thoughts were juvenile, I know better now. There needs to be a correspondence or dialog, if he knows I am sad and he comes to save me then he is wonderful and undoubtedly a knight in shining armor… but what’s to say of a the man who claims to love me, knows of my anguish and refuses to aid in my relief?… I begged. I am not a begger and I downright begged for hours for a different answer, for a second chance, for a change of heart… and nothing. No budging. He only asked me to give up.

I’ve played it over and over in my head. Let me have learned something. What was I supposed to learn from all this? If I take nothing away then I have only wasted my time. At this moment the only thing I can muster up is that I am a spoiled brat and this is the ultimate lesson for me to learn that I can’t always get my way, because if I had my way he and I would be working on our differences, and we would be trying little by little to make our love work. At some point I stopped being worth it… I want more than anything to be worth it.

Welcome 2012

I’ve read somewhere that writing down your goals will exponentially increase the likelihood of you achieving them. After surviving another year in my crazy life I’m looking forward to another one here in 2012. I’ve got some resolutions for this next year as well as some goals and things I would like to accomplish be they silly or serious, so here they go and in no particular order.

1. Graduate from college. This has been a long time coming. After failing miscellaneous and probably useless general education courses (and retaking them) taking a semester or two off and changing my major, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. My sincerest hope is to be able to graduate in the spring and if all goes according to plan I will but after some complications from this last semester I’m beginning to think I’m most likely going to walk in the spring time, but I wont technically finish my final class until the summer time… which is annoying. But I still have hope that I can get whatever I need to worked out so I can graduate in the spring. Either way, I’m going to get my degree in 2012!

2. Lose weight. This one had to be on there somewhere didn’t it? Not that I’ve put on that much weight, 5 lbs of Christmas candy and love isn’t really all that much on a 5’8” frame but all the same, I am miserable with these five extra pounds. I quite drinking soda pop back in October, so at least I don’t have to worry about trying to cut that out. If anything I just need to quit being so lazy and get back in the gym where I belong. I know that dropping the holiday weight will be no big deal, but I’d really like to go beyond that. I’ve been able to maintain a certain weight for a long time, but I’d really like to get just a little bit smaller… so I guess I am looking for some serious self discipline in 2012.

3. Be a better member… of church that is. I was at my best right after I was baptized. Its interesting that as far as my gospel knowledge goes, I know more now then I did then, but my testimony is weakened from my own laziness. I know that in order to get back to having such a strong testimony and connection with my Heavenly Father I need to do those simple things and basic things every single day, and those are praying morning and night, and regular scripture study. I miss how I felt right after I was baptized. I know I can get that feeling back, I just have to put forth the effort.

4. Get some new boobies. Yup. I want a boob job. I’ve actually wanted one since I was probably 17 or 18. For the past two years I’ve talked about getting them, and for the past 4 months I have begun the process of saving up money, every little bit that I can in order to get those new puppies. I am well aware of how frivolous it is and I know that this is something that a lot of people might frown upon me for doing… but I say poo on them! I want them and can’t wait to fill out a shirt for the first time in my life WITHOUT having to wear an extra padded-push up bra!

5. Get a handle on my crazy love life. If I were to map out the ups and downs and ins and outs of my relationships over the past year, let’s just say it would be a wild ride. I feel like I can be really indecisive when it comes to my relationships, I feel one way one day, and completely different another day. I’m with this guy, I’m with that guy, we’re together, we’re not. I feel like the anxiety I’ve felt as a result of all this uncertainty is what got me into so much trouble last semester, and I definitely don’t want that to happen to me again, especially going into what could be my final semester at good old J-dub. I am going to stop spectating and watching my love life happen in front of me and I’m going to take action and make some decisions for myself.

6. I’m going to become a hugger. I’m not a hugger. I don’t come from a family of huggers, so I’ve never been a hugger… what does that mean exactly? I guess I’m greedy with my hugs? I don’t feel entirely comfortable hugging strangers or people I’ve just barely met. I shake hands when I meet people, I don’t hug them. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable hugging distant relatives… all the same, I feel like if we were to take a look at the American culture or perhaps more specifically the Utahan culture, I would find myself in the minority category for being an anti-hugger. This means that all those people who I am denying hugs, are probably huggers, and I could be hurting their feelings. And really, what’s the big deal? Its just a hug… so why be so selfish with my hugs??? Its time to share the love!… unless the person might look like they have lice… then I’m still denying a hug.

7. I’m going to Lake Powell. I don’t know when or how, but I am going. Lake Powell is my happy place, so I am going there at least once.

8. Time management. I think I’ve written this down somewhere else in my blog before, but I guess it bares repeating. I’m late nearly everywhere I go. I make others late, I let people down. I mean, sure sometimes people adapt to my tardiness but I’m looking to be getting a much better job here in 2012, what I like to call a “big-girl’s job”. I don’t want to be late anymore. I’ve put my mind to things and seen the results before, showing up on time to work and school can surely be something I can accomplish this next year.

For some reason I thought my list would be a lot longer, but an even eight seemed like a good number. I am 25 years old now. I feel old but I know in the grand scheme of things I’m still pretty young and I have a lot of learning left to do.

Back on the market... sort of.

I feel weird. That is all I can really say. He broke up with me and it wrecked me, a week later we got back together, then two strained weeks go by and last night we mutually made the decision to break up. I just feel weird about it, but I am a writer, so I’m sure there are far greater words to help me figure out what it is I’m feeling.

I went to my very first therapy session ever this week. I knew something was really off with me this past semester. I was experiencing much more anxiety than I had otherwise been conditioned to and accordingly was not well equipped with how to cope. After the break up I withdrew from nearly all my classes. I was failing them anyway and as far as I could see there was no amount of make up work that could save me. Amidst the disbelief and utter sadness I was in, I made an appointment with a therapist up at school. Even after he and I got back together I thought, why not keep the appointment? My life was stressful, just because one major event had passed, I saw that there were still things I needed to deal with.

I didn’t really know what I was going to talk about, but I found myself talking about my boyfriend for the entire session and it became rather apparent that a lot of my anxiety had to do with my relationship. I never really quite left the uncertainty phase. In my head I thought I trusted him, but my actions were pretty evident that I didn’t. Likewise I found that he didn’t really trust me that much either. His lack of trust lead him to reprimand me quite often whenever he felt I wasn’t doing something I should be doing or when I wasn’t saying something I should be saying. The way he could be so condescending lead me to feel rather unsafe and unable to express how I really felt and what I was going through… we both hid a lot of things from each other. It was my therapists advice that I should take some time off, no dating anyone really, and just kind of figure myself out. I need to trust myself more and trust that I really do know what’s best for me, too often I would trivialize my own feelings and push them aside because I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t want to upset him or scare him away.

I need to find myself again and stand up for myself. Its just hard because I’ve been so conditioned to men just leaving me, I seriously suffer from a fear of abandonment. In my head, I would rather make light of my insecurities and less than wanted emotions in order to avoid abandonment, but by hiding how I really feel is what leads to men leaving me.

I didn’t plan on ending things last night, but everything just happened so fast. It started out as another fight, but then we began talking about everything… I was finally brave and said something, and he was too. I feel kind of cheated almost, I got the impression that he was just with me for some time now because he wanted to spare me. Like he was doing me some sort of favor by staying with me… and maybe he was, I don’t really know.

I feel really unsettled and uncertain. I half way felt relieved last night because everything seemed to go so smoothly, it was like we were finally being open and honest and no ones feelings were getting hurt. It was a mutual realization. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of me by finally talking about all that stuff… but then we were over, just like that, and I had to get him to humor me and hold my hand till the end of the hall way.

Maybe my uneasiness comes from how alone I feel right now. I’ve all but abandoned all my girlfriends in the pursuit of this relationship and there really is a sense of shame to come crawling back to the old circle, tail between my legs, asking for their friendship when I have been absent for so long. I know that they would welcome me back in, I’ve had the other shoe on the foot many a times as I watched one of them take off with a boyfriend or two… but that doesn’t make this any easier.

Another part of me just wants to get back out into the dating world like a mad woman. This is pretty typical, I mean, I get a lot of validation from the attention that men give me. It makes me feel important and like I matter… like I’m a worthwhile person, and I certainly don’t feel very worthwhile right now. But that’s just what my therapist was getting at. I am using dating as a coping mechanism, which isn’t right and will likely land me in one bad relationship after another. I have to do this on my own, just right now I don’t know how I’m going to do it. If anything I see a lot of tv watching and video game laying in my near future, who knows, maybe I’ll pick up a new hobby like karate or something.

I’m really scared. I keep telling myself that this is the right thing for us, that it’s not just what I need but its what we both need right now, but I’m terrified he will go off and find another. it’s a very real possibility. Here I am taking time to work on myself and I stand the risk of losing him. I don’t like it because deep down I really do feel like he and I are good for each other. Maybe we aren’t good for each other as we are right now, but maybe after a little time, a little self reflection and a fresh start, the relationship can be everything it was meant to be… I’m just scared I wont get the opportunity to see us realize our potential.

Currently the theme song my life is swaying to is Fix You by Coldplay.

“When you try your best but you don’t succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep, stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can’t replace. When you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?

Lights will guide home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you…

And high above or down below, when you’re too in love to let it go. But if you never try you’ll never know, just what you’re worth.

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you…

Tears steam down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face and I….
Tears steam down your face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes.
Tears stream down your face and I….

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will to fix you.”

Day 5

Day five... he came back.

Day 4

Day 4

Today I woke up feeling hopeful. Don’t be confused, this hopeful has nothing to do with the ever allusive stage of grief known as acceptance. No, I have a feeling I’m slipping back into denial. And why not? Freud theorized a number of defense mechanisms, denial being one of them. Sometimes life’s stresses are much too painful for our psyche to properly deal with. Why the hell not? Why not just stuff it all away and pretend like its not really happening?

Regardless of why I’m feeling hopeful, I’m embracing it. If anything it might give me the courage to do something about it. I’ve been contemplating all morning contacting him. I broke down and text him last night, then hurried and text him about a minute later and told him to ignore my text. This morning?… I don’t know… I just feel like if he really loves me, that doesn’t just go away… you don’t just stop loving someone even though you might be completely angry with them and have a hard time trusting them, you don’t just stop loving them… that being said, I feel like I have to let him know that I’ll do anything it takes to get him back. I’ve never been one to just roll over, so why start now.

The only problem is I see this going one of two ways. He could respond to me. I don’t know how he could respond, I guess there are “sub” ways of this going depending on how responds if he does. He could get frustrated that I’m texting him (yet again) even after I promised him I wouldn’t and lash out, telling me not to contact him and give him the space he needs. Or he could be indifferent. Or he could be glad I’m texting, that he misses me and does really want to talk to me (that is the outcome I’m dying for). Lastly, he could not respond at all and just ignore me.

The troublesome thing here is that nearly every plausible response (or no response) he could give me, will shoot me right out of this hopeful state and right back into the dark isolation of my bedroom, and yet there is only one response that will make me happy… the odds are stacked against me, but after everything that has happened and after everything that I’ve done, I figure, what have I got to lose? I owe it to him to show him how much I really love him and how much he really means to me, even if he chooses to do nothing with it and I continue hurting like I am… at least I’ll know I did something.

Day 3

Day 3

I’m really tired, probably because I just woke up. I think I’m starting to develop a cough which I am not happy about, but it stands to reason. I’m pretty good at physically punishing my body when it comes to the gym but nothing damages my immune system more then when my heart is broken. Its like adding insult to injury but I suppose its normal.

I can say I haven’t cried yet today, which isn’t THAT much of an accomplishment, seeing as I woke up about a half an hour ago, but I will hold onto it. I do believe I am getting better with the crying. Day one I was highly edgy and likely to cry at anyone or anything. I found myself in the bathroom at work on 10 different occasions trying to pull myself together. Country music is not ideal for healing a broken heart, if anything it just exacerbates the situation.

Yesterday I experienced some anger over the breakup and I believe at some point I began to blame him for everything, where as before I was blaming myself for everything and was utterly miserable at the bleak existence I saw before me. What are the five stages of grief?

Denial: He told me we were done. I wouldn’t get out of his car because I refused to acknowledge or accept that very sentence. It couldn’t be true, there was no way. He loved me and I loved him, people who love each other don’t break up? I’ve never had someone love me break up with me.. Its always the ones that don’t love me that break my heart… he can’t be breaking up with me.

Anger: Which I experience yesterday. I began to blame him. This is his fault that this happened. It is his inexperience in relationships and his hypocrisy regarding forgiveness that have lead to our demise. He’s not perfect, but I forgave him for it, why can’t he forgive me for being imperfect and making a mistake?

Bargaining: I did make a deal or two with God on this one, the deals I made had more to do with relieving me of the pain then of bringing him back to me. No matter how much I am drowning in my sorrows I can’t expect God to dismiss the free agency of another human being. I know God wants to see me happy, but making that boy come back to me is just something He wont do. Instead I made bargains in order to get me out of this hellish nightmare sooner, rather than later.

Depression: Oh yes, I was in this one for about 48 hours straight it felt like. It felt like I couldn’t breath, like I couldn’t open my eyes without a steady flow of tears falling out. Sometimes, so exhausted from crying, I just laid there numb while I played everything over and over again in my head. I still feel depressed… I still feel helpless because there is nothing I can do. I no longer have control, I’m just chained to my sadness that I drag with me where ever I go…

Acceptance:.. I don’t know that I’ve reached this yet. Maybe I have. I have begun to smile again. Part of me wonders if I shouldn’t be doing that. If I should just be wallowing in all my heartache. Its as if I believe that I need to continue being sad for just long enough in order for him to see how much I really love him, and maybe then he’ll take me back… Does accepting this mean I’m ready to go out and face the world once more? Because I don’t really feel ready to do that. I can handle strangers, but people I know? What do I tell them? Do I tell them anything? Dear God what if they ask about him? Do I tell them what happened? I don’t know that I’ve met acceptance yet…

I have had a few friends contact me via text and I’ve relayed to them what happened. Each of them have told me that he didn’t really love me and that he was looking for a way out, and I presented him with a decent enough reason to drop me… but if he really loved me then he’d find a way to forgive me.

Is paranoia one of the stages of grief and loss?

Day 3- Continued

The not crying didn’t last long. I skipped school today, somehow got out of work, and I’m still in bed. I saw some new pictures of him on facebook, some pictures a friend posted. I deleted him because I knew I would just torture myself by looking at his profile, but I didn’t account for my friend posting pictures of him. These pictures were taken yesterday… he is smiling and happy… he is just fine and its killing me.

I’d rather be angry… I’d rather be mad at him because at least then I feel like I might survive this. Like I might be okay… I miss him so much. I just want him back. I don’t know why this is happening. Word to the wise, don’t ever text your ex, it will never be received well. I don’t think I cheated. I know what I did was wrong, but in my heart of hearts I know I didn’t cheat, if ever I had the opportunity to cheat, I wouldn’t have taken it… I just text the guy and now my life is ruined… I never thought this would happen again. I don’t this to ever happen again. I’m just going to be alone because I can’t do this. I am going to fail all my classes…. I’m a terrible student, the worst excuse for a girlfriend that ever existed, and a pitiful human being… I just don’t want to hurt anymore

Day 2

Day 2

Today I don’t feel like dying, granted I did go work out this morning and then I came home, slept, didn’t turn in my homework assignment and didn’t go to class, but I feel alright. I’m thinking this is probably due in part to the fact that I got the opportunity to talk to him last night.

I felt as though I needed to rid myself of any objects, pictures, or things that reminded me of him. My initial plan was to drop the things off at his apartment, but it turned out he was at his mom’s house. How do I know? Because he called…. The absolute horror that crept into my heart when my phone rang in my apron and I checked it to see it was him. What could he want? Is he torturing me some more? Or has he had a turn around and wants to forgive me, maybe even take me back? I couldn’t handle the endless number of possible options, I needed to get off work fast. Upon calling him I learned the information he was at his mom’s and was fine with me dropping some things off.

I planned on just leaving the things on the porch and then driving away, but he didn’t allow me that option, he wanted to see me…. So we talked… and talked… and talked… I learned is that I wasn’t forgiven, and any hope I’d had was wasteful. The least comforting thing to hear is, “You’re going to be fine, you’ll find another guy.”… thanks. I don’t want another guy, but I’m just oh so super grateful for the confidence you have in just throwing me away to the next unsuspecting fool, feels great.

The next bomb he dropped was that we could still be friends… immediately I refused. That is a long road of absolute pain, lined with the hope and promise of a brighter tomorrow, but no guarantee that it will happen.

While I was driving home I couldn’t take it, I told him that I would be friends, that I would do whatever it took to earn back his trust… but I’m terrified… I’m afraid that what is going to happen is I’m going to sit back and watch him date other girls and have to keep a happy face, no matter how much its killing me inside. I’m afraid that I’m going to do everything I can to make him trust me, even if it means eliminating my social life and just going to school or working… I’m afraid that when is all said and done I will be awarded nothing but a thank you and a heartfelt goodbye while he runs off with another girl, and once more I will be left picking up the pieces.

I am in limbo. I’m torn between the hope that just maybe, just maybe this could work, and I can have him back, and the terror that this could just hurt me twice as bad as it did originally… I’m worried I may have made a serious mistake in agreeing to be friends, but at the very least I can say I haven’t cried today.