May 11, 2014. Mother’s Day.
Terror. Disbelief. Awe. The words I had were few at first as only the tears flowing from my eyes conveyed the overwhelming fear that had began to consume me while we stood there staring at a tiny pale plus sign. So much was going to change, things that I wasn’t sure I was ready to let go of would be gone before I knew it. For a brief moment I sat and cried, nestled in the arms of my beloved. Then I quickly found my words. I vocalized my fears as best I could, the reality being that there existed a fear of talking about some of those fears. I wasn’t even a mother yet and I knew there was a stigma associated with admitting less than joyful feelings at the arrival of the pitter patter of little feet.
From May 11, 2014 until January 15, 2015 at 9:31 in the morning I carried the weight of that fear in my heart. This isn’t to say I was never happy or excited because I was, but those joyous feelings were so fleeting. I spent the better part of 40 weeks feeling disappointed, ashamed, and afraid. That is until 9:32 in the morning on a foggy January morning when I saw him for the first time.
The saying “love at first sight” has always seemed like folklore to me, it’s a fabulous detail to sprinkle over a fairytale but highly far fetched for reality. Yet there I laid after 27 hours of labor and wept at the mere sight of my baby boy. From that very first second I loved every single part of him.
All the fears I had didn’t wash away instantly but rather they slowly subsided day by day as my confidence in myself as a mother began to grow. I began to trust my instincts more and I learned that being a mother is truly remarkable innate experience. Its as though a switch deep within myself had been flipped into “mother mode.” I would see the amazement in Tycen’s eyes when I tended to Hayes and knew exactly what he needed, almost like autopilot. I wasn’t sure how I knew what to do, I just knew it.
I have been blessed with such a happy little boy, although I should use the term little lightly as he seems to be a rather giant baby. He has such a zeal for laughter and storytelling. That smile. Nothing makes me feel more loved by my sweet little Hayes than when he flashes me the face consuming, ear to ear grin and I get a glimpse at the single trait he got from mama, his dimples.
A mother’s love is unlike any other. I remember when I was younger, being a teenage brat and fighting with my mom, a common quip from her was always, “I can’t wait until you’re a parent, then you’ll know!” I’m sure she was cursing me with bratty teenagers but the saying is no longer falling on deaf ears. I am a mother now mom, so I do know. I know what an endless love feels like and the true capacities of the human heart. I know what it means to love someone completely. I know what it like to mourn the loss of my tiny baby every single day yet at the same time feel overjoyed and ecstatic about the new discoveries he’s making. I love watching him grow and learn. To know that my own mother loves me in this same way fills my heart with even more love.
I feel that today isn’t just about appreciation, although there is a mountain of things we can appreciate our mom’s for. Tycen knows, he played mister mom yesterday, it was doozy of a day so I hear. To me today is a celebration for all of us mothers, for the growth and understanding we gain as a result of heading forward on this crazy journey known as parenthood. It is a day we can reflect on where we started and how far we’ve come. The struggles we have endured, from messy diapers and spit up, to late night homework assignments and broken hearts. No matter the strife I think all of us can say that it was all worth it just for the opportunity to love someone this much.
Nearly a year ago to the day I was frightened, crying, and unsure of myself. Today I am a mom. I’m still crying quite a bit these days but for all the right reasons.
To my own mom I wish a happy Mother’s Day and the sincerest thank you for helping me become the mom I am today.
