Back on the market... sort of.

I feel weird. That is all I can really say. He broke up with me and it wrecked me, a week later we got back together, then two strained weeks go by and last night we mutually made the decision to break up. I just feel weird about it, but I am a writer, so I’m sure there are far greater words to help me figure out what it is I’m feeling.

I went to my very first therapy session ever this week. I knew something was really off with me this past semester. I was experiencing much more anxiety than I had otherwise been conditioned to and accordingly was not well equipped with how to cope. After the break up I withdrew from nearly all my classes. I was failing them anyway and as far as I could see there was no amount of make up work that could save me. Amidst the disbelief and utter sadness I was in, I made an appointment with a therapist up at school. Even after he and I got back together I thought, why not keep the appointment? My life was stressful, just because one major event had passed, I saw that there were still things I needed to deal with.

I didn’t really know what I was going to talk about, but I found myself talking about my boyfriend for the entire session and it became rather apparent that a lot of my anxiety had to do with my relationship. I never really quite left the uncertainty phase. In my head I thought I trusted him, but my actions were pretty evident that I didn’t. Likewise I found that he didn’t really trust me that much either. His lack of trust lead him to reprimand me quite often whenever he felt I wasn’t doing something I should be doing or when I wasn’t saying something I should be saying. The way he could be so condescending lead me to feel rather unsafe and unable to express how I really felt and what I was going through… we both hid a lot of things from each other. It was my therapists advice that I should take some time off, no dating anyone really, and just kind of figure myself out. I need to trust myself more and trust that I really do know what’s best for me, too often I would trivialize my own feelings and push them aside because I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t want to upset him or scare him away.

I need to find myself again and stand up for myself. Its just hard because I’ve been so conditioned to men just leaving me, I seriously suffer from a fear of abandonment. In my head, I would rather make light of my insecurities and less than wanted emotions in order to avoid abandonment, but by hiding how I really feel is what leads to men leaving me.

I didn’t plan on ending things last night, but everything just happened so fast. It started out as another fight, but then we began talking about everything… I was finally brave and said something, and he was too. I feel kind of cheated almost, I got the impression that he was just with me for some time now because he wanted to spare me. Like he was doing me some sort of favor by staying with me… and maybe he was, I don’t really know.

I feel really unsettled and uncertain. I half way felt relieved last night because everything seemed to go so smoothly, it was like we were finally being open and honest and no ones feelings were getting hurt. It was a mutual realization. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of me by finally talking about all that stuff… but then we were over, just like that, and I had to get him to humor me and hold my hand till the end of the hall way.

Maybe my uneasiness comes from how alone I feel right now. I’ve all but abandoned all my girlfriends in the pursuit of this relationship and there really is a sense of shame to come crawling back to the old circle, tail between my legs, asking for their friendship when I have been absent for so long. I know that they would welcome me back in, I’ve had the other shoe on the foot many a times as I watched one of them take off with a boyfriend or two… but that doesn’t make this any easier.

Another part of me just wants to get back out into the dating world like a mad woman. This is pretty typical, I mean, I get a lot of validation from the attention that men give me. It makes me feel important and like I matter… like I’m a worthwhile person, and I certainly don’t feel very worthwhile right now. But that’s just what my therapist was getting at. I am using dating as a coping mechanism, which isn’t right and will likely land me in one bad relationship after another. I have to do this on my own, just right now I don’t know how I’m going to do it. If anything I see a lot of tv watching and video game laying in my near future, who knows, maybe I’ll pick up a new hobby like karate or something.

I’m really scared. I keep telling myself that this is the right thing for us, that it’s not just what I need but its what we both need right now, but I’m terrified he will go off and find another. it’s a very real possibility. Here I am taking time to work on myself and I stand the risk of losing him. I don’t like it because deep down I really do feel like he and I are good for each other. Maybe we aren’t good for each other as we are right now, but maybe after a little time, a little self reflection and a fresh start, the relationship can be everything it was meant to be… I’m just scared I wont get the opportunity to see us realize our potential.

Currently the theme song my life is swaying to is Fix You by Coldplay.

“When you try your best but you don’t succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep, stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can’t replace. When you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?

Lights will guide home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you…

And high above or down below, when you’re too in love to let it go. But if you never try you’ll never know, just what you’re worth.

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you…

Tears steam down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face and I….
Tears steam down your face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes.
Tears stream down your face and I….

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will to fix you.”