I’ve been laying in bed since 8:30, trying to convince myself that falling asleep is a good thing, that if I just sleep this off I’m going to feel better. I’ve been laying in darkness for the past two hours, its almost 2 am and still I am awake. My mind is far too ravaged to let me sleep as I ponder the demise of yet another failed relationship.
He asked me to give up… Its funny, I had someone point out to me that the reason I have been dumped so many times is because I am just too damn loyal and tenacious to ever walk away. I’m certain it’s a curse that was placed upon me as an infant by some wretched witch because this nightmare of a character flaw could only exist in a fairytale…
He had to ask me to give up hope, let go, and move on. Yet here I am, wide awake in the middle of the night, too afraid that if I go to sleep then everything will be final and complete, the last period dotted at the end of the sentence and the ending of yet another chapter in my sorry excuse for a love life.
I suffer from a sickness that is to say I suffer from an incurable hope. A hope that maybe, just maybe its not over. That any second my phone is going to resound with a text message from him reading that we aren’t really through, that he loves me to the end of the earth and that there is nothing that could come between us. No amount of fighting could ever come between a love as strong and powerful as ours. This hope fuels me to jump out of bed at the sound of any cars passing by and rush to my window, because it could be him parking out front and here to save me from the fit of tears stained pillows I’ve been drowning myself in. This disgusting and pitiful hope helps me hold on to a fantasy world that doesn’t exist. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, but if this were true, wouldn’t he be here now to rescue me?
There have been times I have gotten after myself for such illusions. It was once my belief that if the poor guy couldn’t just sense how upset I was then he wasn’t the right guy for me, but those thoughts were juvenile, I know better now. There needs to be a correspondence or dialog, if he knows I am sad and he comes to save me then he is wonderful and undoubtedly a knight in shining armor… but what’s to say of a the man who claims to love me, knows of my anguish and refuses to aid in my relief?… I begged. I am not a begger and I downright begged for hours for a different answer, for a second chance, for a change of heart… and nothing. No budging. He only asked me to give up.
I’ve played it over and over in my head. Let me have learned something. What was I supposed to learn from all this? If I take nothing away then I have only wasted my time. At this moment the only thing I can muster up is that I am a spoiled brat and this is the ultimate lesson for me to learn that I can’t always get my way, because if I had my way he and I would be working on our differences, and we would be trying little by little to make our love work. At some point I stopped being worth it… I want more than anything to be worth it.
About Me
- Noelle Lani
- Life should be lived as play according to the phiolsopher Plato and me? I happen to agree. I am a very social person, I almost don't know how to communicate without flirting with people. I enjoy kicking back and spending a night in, but I'm also known for heading out for a night on the town, or just a midnight jaunt to the jungle gym. I believe that life is too short to be angry all the time, but you might often hear me complaining about some life stress. I think I just like to get things off my chest so I can move forward. Sometimes I write really dreary things because its easier and safer to be sad at the helm of my laptop, truly I am a happy person. I aim to be the life of the party, if I can get the crowd laughing and having a good time, then my work is done. It is my hope that my writing means something. I write because it makes me feel better, but at the end of the day if sharing one of my experiences can help someone else not feel so alone or help them learn from my mistakes, then I've created something worth while.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Welcome 2012
I’ve read somewhere that writing down your goals will exponentially increase the likelihood of you achieving them. After surviving another year in my crazy life I’m looking forward to another one here in 2012. I’ve got some resolutions for this next year as well as some goals and things I would like to accomplish be they silly or serious, so here they go and in no particular order.
1. Graduate from college. This has been a long time coming. After failing miscellaneous and probably useless general education courses (and retaking them) taking a semester or two off and changing my major, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. My sincerest hope is to be able to graduate in the spring and if all goes according to plan I will but after some complications from this last semester I’m beginning to think I’m most likely going to walk in the spring time, but I wont technically finish my final class until the summer time… which is annoying. But I still have hope that I can get whatever I need to worked out so I can graduate in the spring. Either way, I’m going to get my degree in 2012!
2. Lose weight. This one had to be on there somewhere didn’t it? Not that I’ve put on that much weight, 5 lbs of Christmas candy and love isn’t really all that much on a 5’8” frame but all the same, I am miserable with these five extra pounds. I quite drinking soda pop back in October, so at least I don’t have to worry about trying to cut that out. If anything I just need to quit being so lazy and get back in the gym where I belong. I know that dropping the holiday weight will be no big deal, but I’d really like to go beyond that. I’ve been able to maintain a certain weight for a long time, but I’d really like to get just a little bit smaller… so I guess I am looking for some serious self discipline in 2012.
3. Be a better member… of church that is. I was at my best right after I was baptized. Its interesting that as far as my gospel knowledge goes, I know more now then I did then, but my testimony is weakened from my own laziness. I know that in order to get back to having such a strong testimony and connection with my Heavenly Father I need to do those simple things and basic things every single day, and those are praying morning and night, and regular scripture study. I miss how I felt right after I was baptized. I know I can get that feeling back, I just have to put forth the effort.
4. Get some new boobies. Yup. I want a boob job. I’ve actually wanted one since I was probably 17 or 18. For the past two years I’ve talked about getting them, and for the past 4 months I have begun the process of saving up money, every little bit that I can in order to get those new puppies. I am well aware of how frivolous it is and I know that this is something that a lot of people might frown upon me for doing… but I say poo on them! I want them and can’t wait to fill out a shirt for the first time in my life WITHOUT having to wear an extra padded-push up bra!
5. Get a handle on my crazy love life. If I were to map out the ups and downs and ins and outs of my relationships over the past year, let’s just say it would be a wild ride. I feel like I can be really indecisive when it comes to my relationships, I feel one way one day, and completely different another day. I’m with this guy, I’m with that guy, we’re together, we’re not. I feel like the anxiety I’ve felt as a result of all this uncertainty is what got me into so much trouble last semester, and I definitely don’t want that to happen to me again, especially going into what could be my final semester at good old J-dub. I am going to stop spectating and watching my love life happen in front of me and I’m going to take action and make some decisions for myself.
6. I’m going to become a hugger. I’m not a hugger. I don’t come from a family of huggers, so I’ve never been a hugger… what does that mean exactly? I guess I’m greedy with my hugs? I don’t feel entirely comfortable hugging strangers or people I’ve just barely met. I shake hands when I meet people, I don’t hug them. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable hugging distant relatives… all the same, I feel like if we were to take a look at the American culture or perhaps more specifically the Utahan culture, I would find myself in the minority category for being an anti-hugger. This means that all those people who I am denying hugs, are probably huggers, and I could be hurting their feelings. And really, what’s the big deal? Its just a hug… so why be so selfish with my hugs??? Its time to share the love!… unless the person might look like they have lice… then I’m still denying a hug.
7. I’m going to Lake Powell. I don’t know when or how, but I am going. Lake Powell is my happy place, so I am going there at least once.
8. Time management. I think I’ve written this down somewhere else in my blog before, but I guess it bares repeating. I’m late nearly everywhere I go. I make others late, I let people down. I mean, sure sometimes people adapt to my tardiness but I’m looking to be getting a much better job here in 2012, what I like to call a “big-girl’s job”. I don’t want to be late anymore. I’ve put my mind to things and seen the results before, showing up on time to work and school can surely be something I can accomplish this next year.
For some reason I thought my list would be a lot longer, but an even eight seemed like a good number. I am 25 years old now. I feel old but I know in the grand scheme of things I’m still pretty young and I have a lot of learning left to do.
1. Graduate from college. This has been a long time coming. After failing miscellaneous and probably useless general education courses (and retaking them) taking a semester or two off and changing my major, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. My sincerest hope is to be able to graduate in the spring and if all goes according to plan I will but after some complications from this last semester I’m beginning to think I’m most likely going to walk in the spring time, but I wont technically finish my final class until the summer time… which is annoying. But I still have hope that I can get whatever I need to worked out so I can graduate in the spring. Either way, I’m going to get my degree in 2012!
2. Lose weight. This one had to be on there somewhere didn’t it? Not that I’ve put on that much weight, 5 lbs of Christmas candy and love isn’t really all that much on a 5’8” frame but all the same, I am miserable with these five extra pounds. I quite drinking soda pop back in October, so at least I don’t have to worry about trying to cut that out. If anything I just need to quit being so lazy and get back in the gym where I belong. I know that dropping the holiday weight will be no big deal, but I’d really like to go beyond that. I’ve been able to maintain a certain weight for a long time, but I’d really like to get just a little bit smaller… so I guess I am looking for some serious self discipline in 2012.
3. Be a better member… of church that is. I was at my best right after I was baptized. Its interesting that as far as my gospel knowledge goes, I know more now then I did then, but my testimony is weakened from my own laziness. I know that in order to get back to having such a strong testimony and connection with my Heavenly Father I need to do those simple things and basic things every single day, and those are praying morning and night, and regular scripture study. I miss how I felt right after I was baptized. I know I can get that feeling back, I just have to put forth the effort.
4. Get some new boobies. Yup. I want a boob job. I’ve actually wanted one since I was probably 17 or 18. For the past two years I’ve talked about getting them, and for the past 4 months I have begun the process of saving up money, every little bit that I can in order to get those new puppies. I am well aware of how frivolous it is and I know that this is something that a lot of people might frown upon me for doing… but I say poo on them! I want them and can’t wait to fill out a shirt for the first time in my life WITHOUT having to wear an extra padded-push up bra!
5. Get a handle on my crazy love life. If I were to map out the ups and downs and ins and outs of my relationships over the past year, let’s just say it would be a wild ride. I feel like I can be really indecisive when it comes to my relationships, I feel one way one day, and completely different another day. I’m with this guy, I’m with that guy, we’re together, we’re not. I feel like the anxiety I’ve felt as a result of all this uncertainty is what got me into so much trouble last semester, and I definitely don’t want that to happen to me again, especially going into what could be my final semester at good old J-dub. I am going to stop spectating and watching my love life happen in front of me and I’m going to take action and make some decisions for myself.
6. I’m going to become a hugger. I’m not a hugger. I don’t come from a family of huggers, so I’ve never been a hugger… what does that mean exactly? I guess I’m greedy with my hugs? I don’t feel entirely comfortable hugging strangers or people I’ve just barely met. I shake hands when I meet people, I don’t hug them. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable hugging distant relatives… all the same, I feel like if we were to take a look at the American culture or perhaps more specifically the Utahan culture, I would find myself in the minority category for being an anti-hugger. This means that all those people who I am denying hugs, are probably huggers, and I could be hurting their feelings. And really, what’s the big deal? Its just a hug… so why be so selfish with my hugs??? Its time to share the love!… unless the person might look like they have lice… then I’m still denying a hug.
7. I’m going to Lake Powell. I don’t know when or how, but I am going. Lake Powell is my happy place, so I am going there at least once.
8. Time management. I think I’ve written this down somewhere else in my blog before, but I guess it bares repeating. I’m late nearly everywhere I go. I make others late, I let people down. I mean, sure sometimes people adapt to my tardiness but I’m looking to be getting a much better job here in 2012, what I like to call a “big-girl’s job”. I don’t want to be late anymore. I’ve put my mind to things and seen the results before, showing up on time to work and school can surely be something I can accomplish this next year.
For some reason I thought my list would be a lot longer, but an even eight seemed like a good number. I am 25 years old now. I feel old but I know in the grand scheme of things I’m still pretty young and I have a lot of learning left to do.
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