Worth It

I’ve been laying in bed since 8:30, trying to convince myself that falling asleep is a good thing, that if I just sleep this off I’m going to feel better. I’ve been laying in darkness for the past two hours, its almost 2 am and still I am awake. My mind is far too ravaged to let me sleep as I ponder the demise of yet another failed relationship.

He asked me to give up… Its funny, I had someone point out to me that the reason I have been dumped so many times is because I am just too damn loyal and tenacious to ever walk away. I’m certain it’s a curse that was placed upon me as an infant by some wretched witch because this nightmare of a character flaw could only exist in a fairytale…

He had to ask me to give up hope, let go, and move on. Yet here I am, wide awake in the middle of the night, too afraid that if I go to sleep then everything will be final and complete, the last period dotted at the end of the sentence and the ending of yet another chapter in my sorry excuse for a love life.

I suffer from a sickness that is to say I suffer from an incurable hope. A hope that maybe, just maybe its not over. That any second my phone is going to resound with a text message from him reading that we aren’t really through, that he loves me to the end of the earth and that there is nothing that could come between us. No amount of fighting could ever come between a love as strong and powerful as ours. This hope fuels me to jump out of bed at the sound of any cars passing by and rush to my window, because it could be him parking out front and here to save me from the fit of tears stained pillows I’ve been drowning myself in. This disgusting and pitiful hope helps me hold on to a fantasy world that doesn’t exist. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, but if this were true, wouldn’t he be here now to rescue me?

There have been times I have gotten after myself for such illusions. It was once my belief that if the poor guy couldn’t just sense how upset I was then he wasn’t the right guy for me, but those thoughts were juvenile, I know better now. There needs to be a correspondence or dialog, if he knows I am sad and he comes to save me then he is wonderful and undoubtedly a knight in shining armor… but what’s to say of a the man who claims to love me, knows of my anguish and refuses to aid in my relief?… I begged. I am not a begger and I downright begged for hours for a different answer, for a second chance, for a change of heart… and nothing. No budging. He only asked me to give up.

I’ve played it over and over in my head. Let me have learned something. What was I supposed to learn from all this? If I take nothing away then I have only wasted my time. At this moment the only thing I can muster up is that I am a spoiled brat and this is the ultimate lesson for me to learn that I can’t always get my way, because if I had my way he and I would be working on our differences, and we would be trying little by little to make our love work. At some point I stopped being worth it… I want more than anything to be worth it.