I hope he reads it

What’s this? Another blog about how broken my heart is? Yup.

I could try and be creative, I usually try to add some majestic twist to the pains my heart is feeling. I could also try to incorporate some sort of life lesson into my writing, then I could make it worth everyone’s while. I could try and write about all the good things in my life and why I really have no reason to complain because hey, someone’s got it worse than I do for sure… but instead of doing any of those things, I just want to talk about how stupid I feel, how lonely I feel, and how much my heart hurts.

The demise of another relationship has befallen me, but this one has effected me far greater than relationships from my past, probably has something to do with the fact that collectively he and I were together for more than a year, but I believe there are other reasons that I feel so devastated and desperate.

I believe it also has to do with the fact that he knows my family but more so that my family loves him… I don’t know that I’ve ever brought a guy home and had him fit in with my strange family so well. There was a time when I felt so concerned that he wouldn’t mesh with my friends, in fact, I down right believed that my friends didn’t like him, which felt like a problem to me, at least at the time it did. Its kind of funny, I was so concerned about that that there were times I felt myself holding back from him because of it, and now? I have this sickening feeling that I wont find anyone who can fill those shoe in regards to my family. Friends are great, but my dad liked him, which even if my entire family didn’t like him, something about my dad liking him is what made him so special. Recently I sat and watched my dad sitting in a room full of women as my relatives from out of town were visiting, and my dad spoke of genuine gratitude that my special guy was there. Sure, my dad was glad to have another rooster in the room so he wouldn’t feel so outnumbered with all the hens clucking, but my dad was really grateful that specifically it was him…

He knows me better than anyone. There were times I would find him giving me what I need without my even having to ask. I look at the dynamic of my parents and often worry about ending up like them. I am grateful for them and I think each of them balance the other out, heck they’re still married after 31 years, they must be doing something right… but I still worry. My mom is rather high strung and my dad is the mellow and quiet one. To some degree, my dad quietly endures my mom spouting off about some such meaningless thing or another. Try as I might to be more like my dad, cool, calm, collected, the fact of the matter is I am my mother’s daughter, and more often then not I have my feathers all ruffled about something insignificant… This one was special though, there were times when he would let it slide. He would let me go on and on and on about something that really didn’t matter, he would just let me be upset. But there were other times when he would call me out on my bull crap, even though in the moment I would react unfavorably, its now when I’m able to really be grateful for that, and cherish it… I want it back. I want that person who wont just roll over like my dad and let me get away with being a nit-picking brat for years on end. I’m fearful I wont find that again.

He loved me when I was fluffy. That statement sounds completely idiotic, but it carries a lot of weight, metaphorically and literally. I’ve been working hard the past few months to trim my body down and its been great, I’m leaner than I’ve been in years. This isn’t to say that I wasn’t happy with my body before, but let’s face it, it was a cold winter and since I was unable to exercise through most of it, I packed on some pounds. Now maybe this isn’t the most important thing, but something about the way he would look at me and the way he could see me even though I couldn’t see myself that way… again, I’m terrified I wont be able to find that… here I’ve lost all this weight and all I can think is that I’m only getting this attention because of how I look now, and that it will all go away if I gain the weight back (which is a real possibility). I loved the way he loved me when I didn’t look so perfect, I’d give anything to have that back.

Now I can’t say that everything was perfect, because it wasn’t. From what I have learned about love is just that, it isn’t perfect nor do I believe its meant to be. It is the trials that strengthen us and bring us closer together. There was a moment when I thought he and I were done, we’d had some really nasty fights leading up to that point and an ending seemed immanent. All the signs were there, it kind of seemed like we both wanted out, after all this wasn’t the first time we had gone through this sort of thing, this breaking up process. I remember it, we hadn’t spoken for a whole two days and I hadn’t felt like crying, I felt like maybe I would be okay, maybe this was going to be the for-real time that we actually broke up for good… and then my dad sat the whole family down during this Sunday dinner and dropped a bomb shell: cancer. He played it off cool, because that’s my dad, that’s how he does things, and in hindsight I guess it really wasn’t that big of a deal because everything is as good as gold now… but that day I was not okay… Even though we were supposed to be done, I text him and I told him I needed him and like we hadn’t been fighting at all, like we hadn’t made the motion to break up with one another, he was there right there for me, holding me and telling me that it was going to be okay… I don’t have that kind of safety with anyone or that kind of security. Even just now I came home from work sobbing about this whole mess I am in and yet I held my breath and snuck up to my room so as not to burden my mom or my sister with my broken heart. He and I have a lot of songs, a years worth will do that to ya, but there is one song that likely doesn’t resonate with him, but for me it will always remind me of him and its by Lady Antebellum, I Run To You. A short blip from the chorus wouldn’t hurt. “This world keeps spinning faster to a new disaster I run to you, I run to you baby. When it all starts coming undone, baby you’re the only one a run to. I run to you.” Such is the truth. When my life is in shambles, I always turn to him and it’s the most uncanny and indescribable loss I am feeling knowing that I can’t turn to him now.

It would seem that most of the anguish I’m feeling is as a result of a foreboding fear that I wont be able to replace him, that there isn’t anyone out there who could fill his shoes and be all those things that he was for me… but for me this fear feels more realized. I know he doesn’t have as much experience with all this relationship junk as I do, I’ve been in and out of love and had my heart broken more times than I’d like to admit, but the big kicker is that all those things I listed about why I love him so much are things that no other guy before him was able to accomplish. I mean my dad really likes him and not just because I love him, I know he genuinely likes him… I feel like I couldn’t even breath when my dad turned to me at dinner the other night and asked if he was going to be able to make it on our four wheeling trip, I smiled and said, “we’ll see.” God kill me now and spare me this nightmare.

The saddest thing is that I’m posting this in hopes that he’ll read it and that it will make a difference. Sometimes its nice for a moment to live in a world where lives can change and great loves can be reborn all at the posting of a single blog, but I don’t think an entire years worth of blogs could save this love of mine or bring him back to me. No amount of shameful begging or pleading could bring the sunshine back into my life, nor is there an apology great enough for me to give to reverse any of the things I have done that have pushed him so far away. My deepest desire is that he love me as I love him, that we forget about all the rest and be with one another as it seems we were meant to be… but like I said, I don't know that one blog will change all that... I love you.