To whom it may concern... but not really

Tonight I took a stroll down memory lane. I’ve been unable to sleep tonight as this most recent of rejections has my heart under arrest, flitting about in my chest as if I drank a red bull then hopped into bed. Its annoying really, to be as tired as I am with a full day of work looming over head, and not a wink of sleep happening. In light of my previous blog I have taken on new coping mechanisms for heart ache, don’t worry, I tell myself every morning that I am 27 and I am brave (I think its actually working). But tonight I thought I would roll back and satiate my need to write but using one of my tried and true methods, the unsendable letter.

Ya ever get that inkling that you never quite got to say what you really meant? Or tell that person how you really felt? Well, I’m a self diagnosed crazy person, so more often than not my thoughts are better left to myself, but it helps me to get all the words out… so he get’s a letter, one that I never send. Sometimes two, three, even four letters, each one residing in my computer. Ha, if only these boys knew how tortured I was, but that’s not the point. The point is that in some small way, writing this letter helps bring me just a little bit of peace and a little bit closer to acceptance.

Tossing and turning until four in the morning, I finally decided that an unsendable letter was in order. I grabbed my Jurassic laptop from the desk and began spilling my heart out onto the screen. To my dismay this letter left me feeling rather unsatisfied. Maybe because the wounds are still so fresh, or maybe because I thought this one understood me and after writing my letter, it seems like he has grievously misunderstood me. Regardless of the why, the fact remained that I still felt rather lousy, but then something kind of neat happened…. Wait for it…

I went to save my unsendable letter and being as organized as I am, I would naturally have a file containing all the letters I wrote but never sent. Sometimes when in a melancholy mood I treat myself to a bowl full of misery. Perhaps I wanted to punish myself further tonight, but I was curious as to what some of those old letters contained as quite a few of them were written years and years ago. I opened one and began reading… the feelings I had written… the pain, the hopelessness, the anguish… all these feelings I felt all those years ago are the same exact ones I’m feeling now. Here is this past letter I had written for someone, about feelings I had felt very intensely at the time I wrote it, and yet here and now I feel completely fine about it. I don’t still miss them, although according to each of my letters I thought I would miss each one for eternity… but I don’t. The feeling of an epiphany never gets old folks. The saying that time heals all wounds could be the most useless statement when suffering heart ache, yet the most profoundly truthful saying with hindsight.

The letter I wrote tonight didn’t help me much. It was nice to get some things off my chest but what has really helped ease my caffeine powered heart are all those old letters. The proof that it actually does get better. Here I had written that it would never get better, that I would never find someone new, that I would never move on, and wouldn’t you know it, I moved on to five other heart breaks and subsequently wrote about those ones. I am sad, might be sad for a little while and that’s okay, because it will get better. Someone else will come along… he’ll probably break my heart too but we can worry about that one later.