During my first pregnancy I was writing a lot. I was amid a flurry of emotions and sought some comfort at writing every little thing down and often. I’ve felt some familiar things lately as well as some new emotions during this pregnancy but the luxury to write whenever my heart beckons is no more. I know, how surprising that a 1 ½ year old won’t leave me to my thoughts for more than ten minutes, er sorry, I meant to say ten seconds. The not-so-tiny terror has worn himself out and is enjoying a nap, I’ve decided that from now on the cleaning can wait and that nap time is for writing.
I cried when I found out I was pregnant again, for different reasons this time around. Weeks before taking a pregnancy test I had awoken in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I had dreamt that I was pregnant and I was on the phone calling the bridal salon about my wedding dress, sobbing, when all they could tell me was I would need to pick out something different and better suited for my circumstances.
I remember being so exhausted that night, I’d had a really rough work out and finally put Hayes down for the evening, Tycen had fallen asleep on the couch and I was ready to join my boys in slumber. I was the kind of tired that I knew it would only be a matter of minutes before I would drift off to dreamland. My head hit the pillow, I closed my eyes and then this nagging sensation began digging at me from within. I might be pregnant. Suddenly my tired body was alert and a wave of anxiety had settled in. I wrestled with my thoughts for a while. Insisting that it was all in my head and I was only working myself up for no reason. But then what if I was pregnant? All the supplements I was taking for my upcoming bodybuilding show certainly weren’t approved for pregnant women. I laid there staring at the ceiling.
My nerves lead me to the living room where I sat and stared at Tycen, waiting for him to wake up. Maybe he could calm me down, reassure me that there was nothing to worry about. I sat and waited for an hour when he finally stirred. “What are you doing?” He said with sleepy eyes.
I told him of my concerns and begged for answers. Poor Tycen, probably not the most ideal way to wake up from a nap. We had some pregnancy tests, I told him I was going to take one. I was certain that I was taking it just for some peace of mind, that the test would read back negative and I would laugh off all my unprecedented worries. The reality of a pregnancy test woke Tycen up really quick. We sat quietly and waited, him much more stoic than myself. I couldn’t take it any longer and returned to the bathroom to check and clear as day there was, not one line but two.
How quickly my nightmare came flooding back and the reality of whatever wedding I had dreamt up began slipping away. I cried. My mind was overloading with how I was going to make it all work. Would we get married this summer or put it off till next? What about my dress? Could we move the wedding up? How much was I going to start showing and how soon? And what about Hayes… and then came the heaviest guilt.
What about my sweet little baby boy? He wouldn’t be my baby anymore. I suddenly felt like my time with Hayes was slipping away, here I had only just found out I was pregnant, but the weight was real. How could I do this to him? He needs me and I am his but now I’m not just his anymore. I asked Tycen if it would be okay if Hayes slept in our bed that night. I needed to snuggle him, I needed to be just HIS mama that night. I wept as he nestled in close to me and I could smell him. He had no idea what was coming or what I had done. I felt like I had betrayed him.
I know that my love for this new baby will blow me away just like my love for Hayes did. I couldn’t anticipate how much I would love Hayes but now having gone through this once I have a better idea of what to expect. I know the love will come and it will melt away every worry, every concern and every single doubt. All the questions of, “how am I going to do this,” will be answered, because just like the first time we’ll find a way.
I’m more exhausted this time. I get less sleep. I’m afraid to leave the house with Hayes and no helping hands. I fear with Hayes AND a new baby, I may never leave the house again. I mean I know it’s possible, I see other women out and about with all their littles in tow. I have done hard things and I will continue to do hard things. If I have to order my groceries online and have them shipped to my front door then so be it.
And I’m sure one day Hayes will forgive me for giving him a sibling, in fact one day he may even thank me. My sister explained that siblings are necessary because they give you at least one other person who knows just how crazy insane your parents are. So there you go Hayes, me and dad are crazy, one day you and your brother will laugh about it.
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