Its 2:07 in the morning and its raining… its been cold all day, snowed last week. But right now in this very moment, it is raining… I am a crier. But I am a crier in the most shameful of senses. I will never cry where anyone can see me nor will I ever cry loud enough for anyone to hear. I never want to draw attention to myself when I can’t keep it together. For me it is bad enough to be suffering a heightened enough emotion to make me want to cry, but to have to meet and surrender to this in front of others? Never. It is my burden to bare.
Its not that crying is a sense of weakness. In fact, I’ll gladly admit to anyone that I get choked up when I watch Disney movies. But it’s the tears that spill because of my own careless stupidity… those are the ones I don’t want others to feel they have to clean up. My mom has heard enough of my sobbing over throwing my heart at some boy who didn’t want it, why make her hear that one more time?
Instead I’ll lay in my bed, face my wall, and swim in my thoughts until I fall asleep on my tear soaked pillow or until I simply grow too tired of crying…. That’s really embarrassing. The only people that should be tired of crying are those grieving over a lost love one at a funeral. To think I’ve let more then one tear leave the corner of my eye over a boy is pitiful.
As pitiful as me putting myself in this predicament? Sure, sounds about even. What’s worse is I lay here craving a connection with anyone. It’s a dreadful and unfulfilling wish for there to be someone that can sense when I am in need. The irony is that I am so damn prideful that if perchance such an individual were actually to exist, I would likely turn their services away, claiming I deserve to suffer.
Maybe that’s what it all comes down to… I deserve this. I either did something or not enough of something, or maybe this is just one of those punishing good deeds or misinterpreted intentions. Either way, I am here, I am crying, and I feel like I deserve to be sad, miserable, and alone… but I’m not alone. The skies are crying with me tonight.
About Me
- Noelle Lani
- Life should be lived as play according to the phiolsopher Plato and me? I happen to agree. I am a very social person, I almost don't know how to communicate without flirting with people. I enjoy kicking back and spending a night in, but I'm also known for heading out for a night on the town, or just a midnight jaunt to the jungle gym. I believe that life is too short to be angry all the time, but you might often hear me complaining about some life stress. I think I just like to get things off my chest so I can move forward. Sometimes I write really dreary things because its easier and safer to be sad at the helm of my laptop, truly I am a happy person. I aim to be the life of the party, if I can get the crowd laughing and having a good time, then my work is done. It is my hope that my writing means something. I write because it makes me feel better, but at the end of the day if sharing one of my experiences can help someone else not feel so alone or help them learn from my mistakes, then I've created something worth while.
Oh my gosh Noelle, this broke my heart. I have been there more times than I would like to admit. It sucks. I think that you are absolutely amazing and you have been such an inspiration in my life. I know this wasn't written in a "fishing for complements" kind of way. That isn't you. But know that I love you and I think you have an amazing spirit.
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