Folds in my heart

Hobby: as defined by dictionary.com

-noun

1. An activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation.

Hobby: as defined by Noelle

-noun

1. A means to pass the time, easing boredom and keeping the mind preoccupied.

I have recently taken up the hobby of folding origami. Its weird that I have spent hours looking up how to fold small pieces of paper into flowers. Its interesting to think that four years ago the thought of me spending my nights working on such a meaningless task would have floored me, yet here I am, approaching the ripened age of 26 and all I can muster the will to do is fold some paper…

This month started with an ending. In typical Noelle fashion I have failed in yet another relationship. I played it off pretty cool, but truth be told it jolted me. I liked him a lot and it was truly uncanny the circumstances in which he and I met. I wont go into detail but suffice it to say that too many coincidences is no longer a coincidence. That being said there seemed to be so much promise and yet at a time when I was really vulnerable and I needed him, his affections for me had begun to fail. I tried to tell him right from the get-go, I am not without flaw and to treat me as such is to only set us up for disaster. But there were, at an end.

As I mentioned, I am nearly 26. I feel as though I have grown passed the fretful nights of crying over some boy who has rejected me. I don’t want to let myself feel that bad over someone who never really cared for me to begin with. I don’t owe him my tears. He got a piece of my heart but I have come much too far and survived far too many heartbreaks to let one more guy just wreak havoc on my life. There could be a touch of denial in those sentiments but I’ve no mind to pay it at this point. I don’t feel like crying every day, and that is a much welcomed feeling.

What is unwelcome is this apathy I have settled into. I have little to no motivation to get back out there and start looking for someone new. I could honestly care less, I don’t even have social niceties in me anymore. A week or so ago I drove 45 minutes away to attend a party a friend of mine was hosting. I more or less forced myself to go, thinking it would be just the thing I needed to lift me out of this funk. Instead I felt completely alone and uncomfortable around all the new people. What I wouldn’t give for a nice night in, just watching tv with someone. I was there for less than half the time it took me to drive there, not including the drive back. From there I decided that this whole dating thing is not happening for me, at least not in 2012.

In all honesty I have no business going out with someone. If there is one thing I can’t fake. it is interest in someone. I think even in my current state, if my mister perfect were to happen upon me, my heaven picked eternal companion, I would frighten him away. I feel numb. I feel insecure. I feel like a broken mess that no one should have to deal with. So I have opted out of throwing myself at anyone willing and able to take me out, because at this point it just wouldn’t be fair to them.

I don’t know that I have ever felt like I was ready for marriage. There were times before when I had dated guys and it was a fun notion to dream about every once in a while, but in all reality the thought of it frightened me. I was so busy for so long being young, fun, and single. I was free to go where ever and whenever, without so much as a single person to answer to. There was so much freedom in it. And now? Now I just feel like I am craving some stability and some certainty. I don’t want new and different, I just want something or someone I can always rely on.

I wouldn’t say I am desperate to be married, although on days like today it would seem that way. My grandpa was in a serious car accident… I said my goodbyes to him earlier at the hospital, when I left they were giving him pain medication just to keep him comfortable and doing what they could to keep him alive so that everyone near by would have time to make it there and say goodbyes… to say the afternoon was traumatic would be coloring it lightly. I’m grateful I was able to see him and at the same time I wish I didn’t have to see him that way. I sat there with all my aunts and my uncle, my cousins and my sister, all crying and hugging… something about this whole ordeal has me feeling rather needy… Its even harder when I quietly and subtly ask for help, just a little comfort, and am still denied it… I know that there is someone out there for me. Just like my grandpa in his old age, long divorced from my grandma, was able to rekindle a romance with a high school sweetheart, there has to be hope for me. Hope that like the comfort he found from that sweet woman, I will have from a loving husband. I will have a hand to hold mine when I am afraid or shaking from the burdening sorrows of loss. I will someday have those arms to wrap around me and hold me, and a soft voice telling me that it will be okay… I will have a priesthood holder, that can give me a blessing of comfort when troubling times befall me. I am hopeful that it will happen, I’m just impatient, and how I wish I had such a blessing already.

Until he comes along and finds me, I will continue to spend my quiet weekends here in my room, watching cartoons and folding small pieces of colored paper into flowers.