The thing about pride

The following blog is going to get really churchy. So deal with it.

Glean: to learn, discover, or find out, usually little by little, or slowly.

Today I gleaned that my pride will always be my downfall. At its core, pride was the very thing that kept me from getting baptized for 22 years. In my mind the idea of conceding to the very religion that had coached all these people into making my life harder, would make me not only foolish but down right stupid. In some respects I didn’t know how to let go of the hurt that a few misguided people had caused me. I didn’t want them to be right about being LDS because in some way my surrendering would mean they were right and in a way that would pardon their behavior.

Heavenly Father knew that I needed a lot of humbling to soften my very, VERY hardened heart. My kryptonite has always been a seemingly sweet, good looking guy. Literally gets me every time. So he sent me not one, not two, but three, three boys that came in just as quickly as they left, each one teaching me just a little bit more about this religion I had so arduously tried to ignore. Seeing as I am admittedly a prideful person, each rejection hit me just a little harder than the last, cutting into my ego, and down right wreaking havoc on my self esteem. Through each of these boys I sought approval, an indication of my adequacy, and instead I was dealt a sour reminder that I was almost good enough, but not quite.

I was heartsick for a very long time that year, but I’m grateful for each and every heartbreak those boys put me through because they were integral pieces in God’s puzzle that helped soften my heart enough to hear Him. But my story of pride does not end with my baptism.

I needed to purchase a car last year as mine had come to rest in the middle of trying to make a left hand turn. I had always wanted a Jeep Wrangler. This obviously isn’t the most practical of vehicles, which was something my dad lectured me on frequently. I insisted that since I was the one buying the car, I would get what I wanted, instead of what he wanted for me. The search was tiresome, test drive after test drive, I never knew that car shopping could be so exhausting. Why did I have to have a Jeep? Something about them was so alluring to me. And there it is… the pride. I wanted to look cool. I wanted a car that guys would find me attractive in, owning a Jeep says a few things about a girl. She likes to have fun and she’s not super high maintenance, that is MY kind of vehicle. Finally after over a month of searching, I found the one, and she was good to me for a while.

Next thing I know I’m dropping $600.00 to fix the manifold and another $800.00 in random repairs. Today my transmission quit, just outright quit on me and the mechanic quoted me anywhere between $1,500-$1,800 to rebuild it. And now a new battle with pride comes… it was pride, the need to look cool and feel wanted that lead me to buy that car, and now pride has me here, trying to figure out what I’m going to do next. I don’t have that kind of cushion on my credit card to pay for it, nor do I have that kind of cash in my savings account. I have no more savings bonds to cash in or CD accounts to withdraw from. My only options are to try and sell the car as is, take a loss on my loan, and try to buy whatever junker I can that can get me from point A to point B… or the option that seems much more painful and much more likely to happen… asking my dad, the very one who advised me against buying this car, for help. Oh pride, how stupid we are about to look…

I must have needed something to humble me. I believe that. I believe that things happen for a reason and I think right now Heavenly Father is doing me a really big favor, its just really hard to see it right now. At the very least I think He helped me realize something pretty big today. Thinking back on some of my failed relationships, many of the heartbreaks I have endured can be chalked up to pride. For so long I had prided my self (go figure) on being loyal to a fault. I’ve often thought that I was too loyal to leave anyone, which is what lead to each and every guy leaving me. I think the problem was never that I was too loyal… its that I’ve been too prideful to leave. I am too prideful to let go even when the guy is outright telling me he no longer cares for me. Failed relationships… that’s what I think of it as. The relationship didn’t work out, I failed and I am a failure. Tenacity is a good thing, but knowing when to let go and not being too prideful to do so, might be just a trifle better.

I have a lot of things to be humble about today. I don’t have near enough money to fix a car that didn’t make me look that cool to begin with, my dad was right and I may have to beg for his help to fix this car, and I like a guy that doesn’t like me back.

I often question my adequacy in this world, whether I’m good enough to deserve anything. The salvation to my sanity is that I know I am good enough for my Father in Heaven. He loves me no matter how foolish I am, or how prideful I am. He will continue to give me humbling lessons to remind me that I am fortunate, that I don’t have all the answers, and most of all that I don’t always know what’s best…