Bittersweet Christmas

Another Christmas is drawing to a close. Even at my age I still find those last lingering minutes of Christmas to be marked with a touch of sadness. I believe that try as we might to hold onto the magic and peace of Christmas, I feel it so easily slips away the moment the clock strikes midnight on December 26^th. Quickly the decorations come down, the spirit of cheer subsides, people go back to work, and life settles back into normal once more.

I spent this Christmas with my family, my siblings, my parents, and my sweet little nephew who’s enthusiasm for Christmas was nothing short of a breath of fresh air. My maternal grandpa passed away shortly after Thanksgiving, but in his passing I have found there are few words potent enough to describe my renewed gratitude for my family. As misshapen, haphazard and dysfunctional we may be at times, I would never trade them for anything. I truly believe that prior to this mortal life of mine, I sat with them in heaven, joking and laughing about the strange bunch we would be once we made it to earth.

This day today, while filled with lots of love and joy, was also bittersweet for me…

I remember many, many months ago ringing in 2012, the prospect of marriage nipping at my heals and frightening me to the core. At the time I had been in an almost year long relationship, a marriage seemed immanent. I don’t know if it was the idea of marriage itself that scared me. Perhaps it was the thought of being married to the wrong person or maybe it was the sacrifice of letting go of my beloved friends, my social circle. For so much of this past year I spent my time running from the shackles of marriage, and then something changed, as though my heart grew three sizes in one day.

I wont say that every single person we meet, we meet for a reason, but I will say that there are a few hand selected individuals who walk into our lives to serve us at a moment when we most need it. I spent a year and a half in one relationship, shying away at the very inkling of any sort of commitment, then turned around and spent a single solitary month with one person, who unknowingly showed me that marriage might not be so bad.

I say unknowingly because I don’t think it was his intent to teach me anything really. For him I believe it was happenstance, I was merely at the right place at the right time, but for me I felt that a greater cause was at work, because what led me to that very place could hardly be written off as a coincidence. Much like I found the idea of marriage terrifying, I found him to be equally intimidating. Those internal checklists we keep to ourselves, paying them little heed as no one in reality could ever meet such lofty and childlike wishes, I found myself slowly marking checks next to each and every box.

My excitement was muted by fear, if anything it felt like a cruel joke was about to be played on me and it was only a matter of time before the rug would be pulled from underneath my feet. Its hard to smile and breath in the moment when you are waiting to be someone else’s punch line. Now the fact he was gone as hurriedly as he came, means I was right in my foreshadowing. The question still begs however, was my negative prophesy brought to pass by my own doing? Was my strong belief in such a negative outcome the true culprit to our undoing? An answer I will never know, he left me with little to go on, not that I blame him really. It is not often that I have dealt the card of heartache to another, but the few times I have, I have doted out similar ambiguous answers, hoping in some way to spare that soul anymore pain than what is absolutely necessary.

I don’t know that I can pin these new found ideals about marriage all on him, because as I said, I don’t think he had any intentions of teaching me anything. I think what he helped show me is that marriage doesn’t have to be the ending of fun or the ending of all social life as we know it. Really though, I think it was his friends that really taught me this principle, as they were all living it. They were all so light hearted and full of laughter. I have never felt so welcomed by a group of people before. Instantaneously I felt a genuine love coming from each of them. Its funny, I spent even less time with them than I did with him, yet even now though I haven’t seen them, I still feel like they really care. People like that are rare and I wonder if he knows how fortunate he truly is to have them apart of his everyday life.

I think the other major thing I learned, and this one comes straight from him, is I should never settle. Its become increasingly difficult for me as of late. I feel like I have been finally bit by that marriage bug, the pangs of hunger ringing through my very core. I’m like a starved animal at this point, I’d take any scrap of meat thrown my way. The fact I recently turned 26 means I’m now on a proverbial downward slope. Jokingly I recite a line from one of my favorite poems, “gather ye rosebuds while ye may,” and yet it haunts me each and every time I return from one more failed first date. While the ticking of the clock grows louder and louder in my ears, I must be as patient as he has been. He taught me that my checklist, as little importance as I give it, really does matter and that there is someone out there that will hit each mark.

He taught me this because in reality he hit most of mine, not sure if he would have hit all of them because we didn’t spend enough time together for me to find out. I’m certain I fell just short of something on his checklist, which is fine, because he deserves to find a girl that knocks it out of the park and I’m no less of a person just because I struck out. Much like his friends he is a rare breed, but for me to believe that he is some sort of mythical creature where only one of which exists, well that’s just downright silly. Its easy to feel defeated when after having gone on so many dates, so little prospects have been yielded. I have to remind myself that it usually takes heaps of unsuccessful attempts before striking gold, sometimes I just have to dig deeper. Besides, you don’t usually strike gold twice in a row. I will not settle, that much I truly do owe him thanks for.

This all comes full circle and why I found the joyous holiday laced with just a hint of sorrow. It is the companionship that comes with marriage I felt myself missing on this day. Someone to wake up to and be the first person I wish a Merry Christmas. Someone to share the love of this holiday with, by returning to our families of origin, one with another, hand in hand. Someone to come home with and enjoy the final, lingering minutes of Christmas night… a husband is what I was missing.

Who knows though, I’ve always had better years when my age was an even number, I’m 26 after all. Maybe next Christmas I will get my wish.