Clarity, peace, serenity...

Clarity, peace, serenity…

It’s the most freeing feeling in the world when those three words find their way into your heart. Its so unbelievably true that He will make your burdens light, if you only ask Him.

I was driving home from the tanning salon last week. There’s really nothing special about the trip, I’ve made it several hundred times before. There’s an Arctic Circle, a grocery store, and a few other small businesses smattered about. The only notable difference was the last time I was in that very parking lot I was brazenly given “the talk,” ending in those fateful words, “its just not right.”

For nearly a month I had denied having any grief over the matter. It was a fleeting romance so brief it could hardly be called a relationship, a fling at best. Why pay it any more heed than he had? Yet there on that chilly night in the quiet of my car I sat recalling all the little things. The magic on our first date, all the trouble he went through to just to steal a kiss on our third date, an exciting little vacation where new friends were made, and finally a cold and swift ending there in a silent parking lot.

Suddenly my peaceful ride home was anything but. It was as though all the feelings I had so arduously worked to suppress were colliding within me and bursting forth through unconstrained tears. Confusion, hurt, loss, resentment, betrayal, defeat, helplessness, anger, and sadness… all at once. I was no longer numb and no longer apathetic, which seemed a far greater place to be then riddled and reduced to such a pitiful state once more.

Upon returning home the only thing I could bring myself to do was pray. It was hard for me to ask for His help in that moment. Not because of my struggles with pride, oh no, I was more than humbled by the situation. I just felt that so many times have I been on my knees asking for a reprieve from the sorrows of another departed relationship. How could I be here asking for His help with this again? I’m the reason I got into this mess in the first place after all, its my own fault I was as sad as I was. It just didn’t seem fair to ask Him to bail me out once more. To make matters worse my grandpa’s passing earlier in the week made me feel as though my relationship woes were silly and insignificant, not worth seeking help over. I could see my mom and her siblings needing far more comfort over the loss of their father than I needing a little help moving on.

Clarity…

Amidst the streaming tears and reservations about seeking His help, my apprehension easily melted away. My Father in Heaven wants me to be happy and by refusing Him the opportunity to ease my burdens, I was refusing Him the joy of helping me find that happiness. Beyond that I realized that I could be of no help or comfort to my loved ones during such a tragic time if I was so preoccupied with my own internal conflicts. I needed to let go of this for my family’s sake and my own. Clarity lead me, so I asked, “help me let go.”

Peace…

Not one more tear fell. My heart felt lighter, the beat slowing, steady and soft. My eyes began to dry while the throbbing in my head ceased. The once inescapable hurt was gone and I was more than okay. Clarity allowed me the courage to ask those four little words that in a matter of seconds changed my whole demeanor from the inside out. With peace comes hope, that night was wonderful, but tomorrow could only be better.

Serenity…

He granted me acceptance. I no longer had to torment myself over the fact that it didn’t workout. Memories can be torturous sometimes, like a field of landmines. You tip toe around because you never know when everything might blow up. Acceptance has a way of transforming those memories from daggers into daisies. I can smile in remembrance for what we had, accept that it is no more, and continue to hope I’ll find something like it or better one day. Serenity is freedom.

No burden, however big or small, is insignificant in His eyes. He wants me to be happy, He wants all His children to be happy. Happiness isn’t something that just happens though, we have to actively pursue it and be it.

He blesses us with things that we ask for and more often, He blesses us with things we fail to ask for but in all respects we actually need. I asked for comfort and received it instantly, but He also blessed me with kind loving people, that even though having only known each of them a short time, each reached out in simple ways. Feeling loved is all anyone really needs. Through them, my new friends, He was comforting me.

Someone asked me today in church, how I as doing. I genuinely smiled, a wave of recent events flashing through me, then I answered, “I am very well.” And I am. I am happy.

Clarity, peace, serenity…