Let me be enough

My pregnancy could be described as the envy of other women.  Often when describing my symptoms or lack there of, I am often met with a scowl or a short, “I hate you.”  Its true, I lucked out in the gene pool.  My mom had relatively mild pregnancies with all four of her children so it stood to reason my pregnancy might mirror that.  I have even one-upped my own mother with the fact that I have a frame more conducive to carrying a baby.  My mom delivered all her babies fairly early, simply because she ran out of room to carry any of us for any longer.  Me? I’ve got the room.  Wide hips and a long torso make for a cozy little home indeed.

While I’ve avoided several of the dreaded symptoms, the nausea, the swelling, the food aversions, even food cravings, there is one thing that has stuck with me rather pervasively.  That is the overwhelming fear that I am going to screw this poor kid up.  It might sound silly, but I am more than aware that this next job, this next roll I am taking on, will be the most important thing I ever do with my life… ever.  This is a job I can’t quit when it gets too hard or when I feel tired and underappreciated.  I can’t even call in sick.  This will require every minute of every day.  Even when I am sleeping I will be on call.  I don’t take any of this lightly.

Beyond the incredibly demanding work schedule I am required to navigate the world of today and somehow find a way to bring up a healthy, happy, and functioning member of society. How on earth am I supposed to do that???  With the media and gadgets, the apps and the advertisements, and boat loads of information pulling a parent in different directions, how am I supposed to discern what is best for my child?

Some people might not know this about me but I actually graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in a major called, “Child and Family Studies.”  No kidding.  For years I sat there in a classroom learning how to raise a child from birth to adulthood.  I took child development, I learned how to coach a child through their emotions and I learned how to educate parents on how to parent their own children.  I took classes on relationships between spouses and between parent and child.  I have more knowledge on this subject matter than the average mommy so to speak.  Even still I feel completely unequipped and unprepared for the magnitude of this endeavor.

I worry about the amount of changes coming my way and whether or not I will be able to handle them.  I fret over being able to provide enough for this new life.  Contrary to what the Beatles said, love is not all you need!  Love doesn’t pay bills or buy diapers!  I’m not trying to sell love short, because a baby with material things and no love will not thrive or survive, but I am not so naïve as to believe that love will be enough.  Money and love isn’t enough.  I have knowledge, but do I know enough?  Have I learned enough that I can really help this child have all they need?

There are these moments, when I feel the little kicks and wiggles of my tiny little baby, and I can’t help but feel an overwhelming amount of love.  I don’t know this person, have yet to meet them, and I already know that my love for them is insurmountable.  It feels as though these moments of joy are fleeting because shortly there after the gravity and the reality set in and I’m back to feeling fearful.  I pray that I am enough sweet baby.  I pray that I will somehow be enough to help you through this world and give you a wonderful and happy life. Lord please let me be enough.