About Me

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Life should be lived as play according to the phiolsopher Plato and me? I happen to agree. I am a very social person, I almost don't know how to communicate without flirting with people. I enjoy kicking back and spending a night in, but I'm also known for heading out for a night on the town, or just a midnight jaunt to the jungle gym. I believe that life is too short to be angry all the time, but you might often hear me complaining about some life stress. I think I just like to get things off my chest so I can move forward. Sometimes I write really dreary things because its easier and safer to be sad at the helm of my laptop, truly I am a happy person. I aim to be the life of the party, if I can get the crowd laughing and having a good time, then my work is done. It is my hope that my writing means something. I write because it makes me feel better, but at the end of the day if sharing one of my experiences can help someone else not feel so alone or help them learn from my mistakes, then I've created something worth while.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Ode to those who left me

For a long time I was angry.  I felt that some sort of twisted punishment was bestowed on me for some grievous transgression I must have haphazardly committed.  Gifted to me was this heart so eager and willing to love, yet it kept falling into the hands of those that didn’t seem to want it.  As time went on my gift had grown into a curse I would resent.


Countless were the times a coworker or a friend would inquire astoundedly, “Noelle, how is it that you are still single?”  To which I could only shrug my shoulders.  Its not as though I hadn’t wracked my brain or spent sleepless nights soul searching for an answer to that very question, because I had, but I found that to be a painful existence.  After some many years of this question that had plagued me, the only answer I could muster was that I just hadn’t found the right guy.  In all honesty, the answer felt pitiful and half assed.


I had plead my case with God before, many many times.  With all the suffering I had endured in the wake of my failed relationships I had begun to feel more or less a sense of, “you owe me.”  Entitlement is not a suit anyone should adorn but after each unrelenting heart ache, after every single tear shed, after every raging insecurity hung out to dry, I couldn’t help but ask, “when will enough be enough…”  


I have never been one to sit around and wait for someone to walk into my life.  Chalk it up to impatience if you’d like, but I didn’t very well fancy the thought of ending up alone.  I was a very active participant in my dating life and was always willing to put myself out there.  The reward of finally finding that special someone always out weighed the risk of being broken.  At least that is how I saw things until someone actually broke me.  


The task of gathering the pieces and putting yourself back together is no easy feat nor is it something one builds a tolerance to.  Each and every time it happened my world fell apart.  I would spend my days forcing a smile, make believing that I never really cared for him in the first place, so that those around me might never know just how much I hated myself.  In the quiet solitude of my bedroom I would cry and cry.  Ashamed of the pain I was in, angry at myself for being fooled so easily, and mad at the rest of the happy couples in the world, I would just lay there and cry.  Heavenly Father, why?  Why is this happening again?  Am I not learning the right lesson?  Why must I go through this?  Why won’t they give me a chance? What is wrong with me?


Enough time would pass, the hurt and the torment would slowly subside, and once again I would solemnly return to my feeble answer and hope that far beyond what I could see, that maybe there was a little truth to my answer.  Perhaps I still just hadn’t found the right guy.


I was given mixed reviews from family and friends.  On one end I had those telling me that I was too picky and my standards were much too rigid.  I was advised that if I ever wanted to find someone I had to learn to be more flexible and compromising.  Those on the other end of the spectrum shouted to never stop searching, you deserve to find someone that is everything you want and you will, you just have to keep going.  The cynic in me wanted to side with the former, but the ever omnipotent idealist in me would never surrender and continue the hunt for happiness… at least until I turned 30.  Maybe then I would let go of this mystical unicorn.


And then I found Tycen.


For the first time all the dribble I had begrudgingly listened to my friends prattle on about at bridal shower after bridal shower finally made sense.  “When you know, you know.”  It was the most illogical and idiotic thing I had ever heard uttered, but that was because I had never experienced it myself.  I hadn’t known that silly statement to be so incredibly true.  I loved many a man before and the thought crossed my mind in several relationships that, “I could marry this man.”  That sensation was always laced with just a bit of doubt because somewhere deep in my heart, I knew to some degree I was settling.  It may have been something small, some trifle quirk that most people would chide me for even thinking, but that didn’t lessen the lingering doubt.  With Tycen it was different.  There was never any room for doubt… I just knew.


For so long I had burdened myself with blame for every failed romance.  I had begun to believe that something was terribly wrong with me and I was so fatally flawed that no one would ever love me enough to stick by me.  I was trapped in a prison of resentment for all the men who had hurt me and I was even angry with our Father in Heaven for allowing this travesty to happen time and time again… but Tycen freed me.


I felt myself let go of all the anger I had been harboring.  Everything was so easy and simple with Tycen.  It gave weight to all those times I stood there begging for some sort of answer and receiving a measly, “it shouldn’t be this hard.”  I would roll my eyes at that and scoff, but now I understand what all those men were saying.  So much baggage and weight has been lifted from my soul through his love.  I am finally able to truly let go of all of it by basking in my own happiness and for the first time in my life, celebrating the happiness that each one of those men found after me.


It is here and now where I actually need to thank all of them.  Each and every single one of those men that broke my heart deserves a sincere thank you.  I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t have left any of them, even if I wasn’t as happy as I knew I could be.  Much like my heart that is so easy to love, I am also cursed with a loyalty that will never let me leave.  I am grateful that each of them had enough insight and fortitude to know that there was someone better out there waiting for me.  I especially thank each of those men for being brave enough to break my heart.  All too often I was on the receiving end of such torment but I do know how incredibly difficult it is to cause that amount of harm to another human being, it hurts just as much.  Each and every one of you did me the biggest favor by dumping me, because I couldn’t be happier.  He is everything I ever wanted and everything I never knew I wanted.  He is the one that Heavenly Father was preparing me for.  I thank you, all of you, and I sincerely hope that each of you are able to find the same happiness I have.


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