All too often it is easy to wear a pessimistic eye and focus on all the things I don’t have. With social media I literally have at my fingertips about 1,000 reasons being shoved down my throat as a reminder that I’m not doing well enough or that I’m not where I’m supposed to be in life. Thanksgiving, albeit the one day a year, comes along at a perfect time to remind myself and others that there are plenty of things in the world to be grateful for.
For years I was glued to my TV every Wednesday night, religiously watching MTV’s newest installment of the hybrid Real World/ Road Rules Challenge. You name it, I watched it. There was a time I could tell you the difference between the Duel, the Inferno and the Gauntlet, although now I can’t seem to remember. I was a junkie for that kind of stuff.
Naturally there were cast members I despised, I loved to hate them. Then there were always the individuals I was rooting for. One girl in particular, Diem, I was always rooting for. She was easy to like. She was a pint sized girl that didn’t look like much but played the game very well. It seemed like other challengers were always trying to knock her out of the competition because she was labeled a big threat. In all honesty I feel that most fans of the show were rooting for her, not because of her attitude on the show, but because of her attitude toward life in general.
It was learned early on in her first appearance in the challenge series that she had been stricken with cancer. She beat the odds and joined the series. I mean, anyone who can beat cancer is pretty admirable in my eyes. Years after her first installment in the series she fell victim once more to cancer again. As a viewer it was devastating to see her struggle played out in real time because in some sense I felt like I knew her as a person. Once again, she clawed her way through the disease and beat cancer once more. If there was anything certain about this girl its that she was a fighter.
For whatever reason I surrendered my Wednesday nights and I stopped watching the show. I guess my own life needed me to pay attention to it. I learned through a friend and fellow die hard fan of the series that she had fallen ill yet again, and this time things weren’t looking up. True to her spirit she fought as long as she could until finally succumbing to her cancer. At the age of 34 she passed away.
I read all the articles about her final days, posts from her friends and loved ones. I wanted to feel like I was a part of it, because watching her and her fellow challengers, like I said, one some level it felt like I knew each of them. The thing I read that struck me the most, was how one of Diem’s greatest wishes was to become a mother.
In that moment it struck me. For months I had been agonizing over my inadequacies. I had torn myself apart for not being more prepared for our baby and I was humiliated to tell my friends at my baby shower that I was living at my parents house. All my anxieties had placed a large wedge between my belove and I. It seemed like we had begun to blame each other for how unhappy we had become. All around me all I could see were all the things I didn’t have because nothing was going how I had pictured it… yet the passing of a reality TV star on a show I used to watch is what helped put things into perspective.
Often when amidst our trials the saying, “it could be worse,” brings little to no comfort. When arriving at that conclusion on your own is when it means the most. This year I am most grateful for my life. I am alive and well. While my life hasn’t gone quite according to plan, I really have nothing to complain about. I am strong, I am healthy, and I am resilient.
I am grateful for my family. I have an incredible support system. My family is always here for me and offering to help me in any way possible, in spite of my own reluctance to accept their help. I hear stories of girls in a similar situation to myself, slaving away trying to make ends meet because their families kicked them out or refuse to help. Its easy to take that kind of love and support for granted because I’ve always been given it.
Tycen is with me, all the way, 100%. I sometimes forget what a blessing that is because from the moment we met we loved each other so much that I never really saw a different outcome for us. The reality is I got really lucky. I couldn’t imagine doing this on my own. I’m lucky that Tycen is the type of man that would stay and help, but on top of that I’m incredibly blessed that he loves me. He loves me even when I’m being an awful, ungrateful brat.
I am pregnant. I’ve experienced a bit of survivors guilt with this recently. I have friends that are trying so very hard to get pregnant and coming up short. I have other friends that have miscarried their pregnancies… then there’s me, wasn’t really trying, and here we are, 33 weeks later with not a single problem other than stretch marks and a sore body. At times I’m reluctant to share the status of my pregnancy or the little kicks and squirms I’m feeling constantly, because I don’t want to make an already difficult situation for these ladies any harder. As I write this though, I must say I am incredibly grateful for this little baby in my belly. I am grateful that our baby is healthy and well. I am so grateful that in a few short weeks, Tycen and I are going to experience the joys and struggles of being parents, together.
I love this life of mine. Heavenly Father sure gave me a good one to enjoy here on earth because I have a lot to be thankful for.
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