Not waving, but Drowning...

I feel so lonely. The worst part about being lonely, other then the fact that you feel like no one in this world understands or cares for you, is the fact that it is self inflicted. I know that the words and comfort I so desire are only a moment away should I ask for it… but there in lies the problem. I have to ask.

Perhaps I am so self absorbed and central focused that I have this belief that those who are closest to me should be able to know and detect when I am sad or when I need them, but I hope that isn’t the case. I like to think I know better than to expect people to read my mind. I think the real problem is that I am just too damn prideful to ask for help.

I depict this aura that tells everyone around me that I am strong, I am capable, I am self sufficient, and that I can get by on my own. Perhaps if I keep feeding this lie that I don’t need anyone, someday it will be true. I think I’ve adopted this mantra because of the amount of times I have been let down by people in my life or better yet, the amount of times I’ve let myself down.

Maybe I am self absorbed, because it always comes back to me, it is ALWAYS my fault. After all, I can’t really pin my disappointments on others, even if I was there for them when they needed it, or if I dropped everything to be at their beck and call, or if I went above and beyond to do them a favor without asking anything in return… the fact of the matter is that I chose to trust them, therefore any pain or discomfort I feel as a result of their actions, is of my own consequence, which isn’t quite a spoon full of sugar to help the medicine go down.

You would think by now I’d have it down to a science as to who I can or can’t trust. I wish these day to day interactions came with some sort of manual or that people wore signs, “I have a nice smile but beware, I have a 75% chance of breaking your heart.” That kind of information would be nice to know because all the time I spend getting to know someone, trusting them, being crushed when they abuse my trust, and then all the self healing, it could all be averted and better spent on something else… maybe homework.

I know its silly, stupid, and irrational… but I feel like maybe because I am so sparing with when I ask for help, that it really isn’t too much to comply. I know that amidst all my sorrows and this lonesomeness that I currently find myself drowning in, that if a friend were to come to me and ask for help with something, I would help them to the best of my abilities and within my means. When I say it is rare for me to ask for help, I don’t mean with simple things like homework projects or throwing a party, I mean with this emotional dirty laundry that I don’t necessarily like to air in front of everyone. I don’t need all my friends to know that deep down beneath this tough exterior is a tender heart that just wants to be loved and cared for. I don’t need people to know how vulnerable I really am or how easy it is to hurt me… I don’t like giving people that sort of power over me.

Love is like giving someone a map to all the places in your heart that will hurt you the very most and trusting them to avoid those danger zones. How foolish it feels when someone veers right into one of those places where X marks the spot and you are the one that handed them the map that guided them there…

There is a poem I read a couple years ago in my poetry class. I wish I still had the book or at the very least could remember the title or the author. Regardless of my inability to recollect, the poem is very fitting for the state I am in now. It is about a man who swims out into the seas on his own, at some point he is so far out that when his friends look on him it seems as though he is waving to them, when in fact he is drowning. Perhaps I have swam so far out on my own that the ones I care about most think I’m only waving.