Love is a Battle Field: Part 1

My mind is screaming and spitting out the bitterness as my heart weeps, let’s see how everything unfolds…

“You should have known this was going to happen. You’re always throwing yourself at whoever flashes you a smile or tells you that you’re pretty, but do you take the time to figure out if he even wants you?”

“Shut up! I thought this one was different… I felt like he would never do this to me…” Heart shutters.

“That’s just you’re problem heart, you don’t think! You just feel all these feelings and you think that’s what makes the world go round. You need to get your facts straight.”

“I don’t know where I went wrong… I just… I don’t know what happened… I thought you had this all under control. Why did you let me do this again?”

“Oh you want to pin this on me do you? Its always my fault huh? I tried to warn you. I gave you every reason in the world not to trust this one, and what did you do?”

“I trusted him…”

“Exactly! Because that’s you’re problem heart, you don’t think, you just feel. You either feel great or you feel miserable, and you know what? This misery crap is pissing me off! The second you start aching and crying guess what happens to me? Just guess.”

“Stop it, haven’t I gone through enough?”

“No, because no matter how many times you put yourself through this hell you never seem to learn anything! What’s worse is you’re not the only one hurting!”

Then the eyes chime in…
“Yeah you big idiot! Look what your carelessness has done to us! We’re red, sore, and swollen, all we want to do is rest but nooooo, you have to go on hurting and so must we!”

Mind isn’t about to let the eyes get away so easily..
“Not so fast there fellas, you’re the one that spotted the creep. You two are to blame for poor heart even melting for that ridiculous smile in the first place!” The eyes cower away, they can never win and argument with my mind.

“What about us?” Piped in the legs. “Every time heart gets all mopey and love sick for some shmuck, we can’t even function. Our knees get all week and each foot takes on ten extra pounds. How are we supposed to lug the rest of you around when we feel this way? And its all heart’s fault!”

Seems like stomach can empathize with heart, it knows the pains all too well…
“I understand you’ve been hurt again poor dear, but listen to me, every time you put yourself out there with someone less than worthy, I don’t get fed. I’m really hungry you see, but ever since you became so sad I haven’t been fed properly. Every time you get excited and hopeful about a new boy, I do too. I feel those butterflies for you. Oh how I wish you would just cheer up so I could be full once again, I’m so hungry…”

Mind has had enough of this nonsense.
“See what you’re doing heart? See how you’re affecting everyone else here? Even I can’t stand for you to be in this much pain. When those wimpy eyes start crying…”

“Hey!”

“Shut up you two. When they start crying I get this awful ache all around me, then neck starts to bitch at me and you know how neck is.. Yeah, pain in the neck. So listen, I know you’re feeling bad now. You’re probably feeling foolish, embarrassed, and betrayed, but try and remember, it always gets better. Maybe not right now, five minutes from now, or even five weeks from now, but at some point in time you know you’ll feel better.” Eyes were rolling back, mind was just a jackass as far as they were concerned.

“Yeah… I guess you’re right.. I mean you must be, you’re the brain of this whole operation,” heart chocked out a laugh.

“Exactly.” Mind could only sigh, heart was calm for now… but when would the cycle end? Sure, in the future another careless punk would happen upon her, flash her a grin, she would throw herself at him, then when she least suspected it, he would crush her… just like they always do. Then everyone else, eyes, legs, stomach and mind would be right back here at square one… so how much longer would everyone else have to endure heart's suffering… when will the dreaming end?

Tisk tisk, poor heart. She’s got some real growing up to do. Tune in next time…

Happenstance

I am doing my very best
To be as strong as I can
To pretend that I am happy
And not let you see my hand

I make believe I’m selfless
That I can put my needs aside
It’s the righteous thing to do
My true feelings I will hide

I will wear a smile
And others will believe
I’ve dusted myself off again
That I’m back to being me

Any inkling that I’m suffering
To others I’ll dismiss
You and them will never know
That anything’s amiss

I’ll wish you every happiness
While I writhe inside
Begging mercy from my maker
To let me leave this life

I’ll dream of those three words
So carelessly you spoke
While I stuff away the heartache
And every sob I choke

In daylight I will mask the pain
The waking world will not see
The misery that suffocates
And steals the air from me

Once in the sanctuary of my room
Covers pulled up nice and tight
I’ll relinquish all control
And surrender to the fight

The tremors devouring strength
Self loathing will consume
Every ounce of will I’ve left
To never burden you

A fool I’m left to drown
In the tears of happenstance
It was but a silly dream
To think I stood with Chance…

Sad, crushed, humiliated, and miserable

I am sad… no wait. I am crushed. I am humiliated and miserable. I have been doing so good about being so positive lately. Amidst all the chaos that has been surrounding my life as of late I have still somehow managed to find a silver lining and make the best of a bad situation. I’m sure I could do that right now. I’m sure if I looked really hard I could find a way to be okay with this… but that just takes too damn much energy and frankly, I am plum out of it.

Its as if the life force has been sucked out of me. I worry that I am gambling away years of my life expectancy in hopes that just once one of these poor souls I so helplessly fall in love with, will love me back. I feel weak, like I just ran a marathon. My limbs are too heavy to lift… or maybe its because I just don’t care to move them. Its like my brain can’t make my body move. The message is there, “move… get up and move,” but the nerves are not receiving it. Even the slight and delicate key strokes necessary to write this have been troublesome…

I can’t stand that everyone in the world feels the need to text me write now, because for a second I get to think it could be him. It could be him calling out to me to tell me he is sorry and has changed his mind. That I am something special to him and I’m worth holding onto. It’s a torture I inflict on myself every time my stupid phone sounds off and I let myself believe the unbelievable.
I’m so exhausted… this dream has fluttered into my life so many times. These boys just casually saunter in and for this tiny insignificant fraction of time I can loosen the ties to my heart. For the escape of one tired breath I can relax and surrender to the dream that maybe, just maybe I have finally found my one and only someone. Which is why I am sad, crushed, humiliated and miserable, because for a split second, I thought I was done searching.

I feel lied to, like a travesty has occurred and there is not enough justice in this world to right the wrong that has been committed. I feel as though I have sat myself down, put on my running shoes, tied them all up nice and tight, only to find that the race was yesterday… I am too late… it doesn’t matter that I can out run any person on the track, because I’m too late and the first place ribbon has already been given away.
I wonder how many more years of my life I will sacrifice at the expense of finding someone special… someone who can love me forever.

Thrashed, beaten, torn and bruised
So desperate for love, so often abused

Mercy please for this tattered heart
There is no room for one more scar

Another break, it might never heal
Cease to beat and no longer feel

What’s one more tear, a fraying rent
What’s one more year of life having spent?

The carnage that is this broken heart
Is but a wasteland that all do impart
　
　

Good Riddence

Fallen snow
So fresh and clean
A grace on Christmas morn

In the spring
A shame to see
Flowers wilt and torn

I banish thee
To leave me be
I crave the humble warmth

Of summer days
And sunny rays
And flip flops to be worn

Fluffy white
I wave goodbye
I promise to cherish and remember

I ask so nice
This gentle ice
Please don’t return until December