Sad, crushed, humiliated, and miserable

I am sad… no wait. I am crushed. I am humiliated and miserable. I have been doing so good about being so positive lately. Amidst all the chaos that has been surrounding my life as of late I have still somehow managed to find a silver lining and make the best of a bad situation. I’m sure I could do that right now. I’m sure if I looked really hard I could find a way to be okay with this… but that just takes too damn much energy and frankly, I am plum out of it.

Its as if the life force has been sucked out of me. I worry that I am gambling away years of my life expectancy in hopes that just once one of these poor souls I so helplessly fall in love with, will love me back. I feel weak, like I just ran a marathon. My limbs are too heavy to lift… or maybe its because I just don’t care to move them. Its like my brain can’t make my body move. The message is there, “move… get up and move,” but the nerves are not receiving it. Even the slight and delicate key strokes necessary to write this have been troublesome…

I can’t stand that everyone in the world feels the need to text me write now, because for a second I get to think it could be him. It could be him calling out to me to tell me he is sorry and has changed his mind. That I am something special to him and I’m worth holding onto. It’s a torture I inflict on myself every time my stupid phone sounds off and I let myself believe the unbelievable.
I’m so exhausted… this dream has fluttered into my life so many times. These boys just casually saunter in and for this tiny insignificant fraction of time I can loosen the ties to my heart. For the escape of one tired breath I can relax and surrender to the dream that maybe, just maybe I have finally found my one and only someone. Which is why I am sad, crushed, humiliated and miserable, because for a split second, I thought I was done searching.

I feel lied to, like a travesty has occurred and there is not enough justice in this world to right the wrong that has been committed. I feel as though I have sat myself down, put on my running shoes, tied them all up nice and tight, only to find that the race was yesterday… I am too late… it doesn’t matter that I can out run any person on the track, because I’m too late and the first place ribbon has already been given away.
I wonder how many more years of my life I will sacrifice at the expense of finding someone special… someone who can love me forever.

Thrashed, beaten, torn and bruised
So desperate for love, so often abused

Mercy please for this tattered heart
There is no room for one more scar

Another break, it might never heal
Cease to beat and no longer feel

What’s one more tear, a fraying rent
What’s one more year of life having spent?

The carnage that is this broken heart
Is but a wasteland that all do impart