If Only

I always seem to find myself here. Completely engulfed and clouded by who I deem to be the greatest thing that has ever walked into my life. I know the cycle from beginning to end. I meet a guy and for whatever reason he becomes everything that I never knew I always wanted. I am like a giddy teenage girl wearing rose colored beer goggles incapable of perceiving any imperfections this boy may possess. I suppose it is pretty hard to see any flaws when I have put him up on that pedestal so high. It is precisely at this point that I am in trouble.

As irony would dictate it any boy that calls this pedestal home usually lands himself there because he is out of reach and is something I cannot have, likely making him all the more alluring. So on I will look, but never touch, and torment myself for whatever character flaw I possess that is keeping me from having what I so desire. Each day is spent either agonizing over the changes I could or should make about myself in order to win his unachievable affections or obsessively trying to find someone who is better, that can dethrone him.

The better part of me knows and is highly aware that this cycle is in full force and cancerous at best. My mind wages an internal war with my heart. My heart wanting what it wants regardless of consequences or reciprocity, while my mind knows all too well that such foolish behavior will only yield more pain and suffering. Yet no matter how much logic or reasoning is sprinkled on the matter, my heart always seems to win the battle, but never the war.

Having gone through this process before I am all too familiar with feelings that go along with it. There is a constant inadequacy lurking behind any confident smile or arrogant remark.  Thoughts of, "if only," or, "what if," plague the mind. Any small gesture becomes an explosion of hope and wishful thinking, which soon is met by disappointment and a foolishness for thinking that reality for once might follow the storyline of a dream. The cycle has taught me that at some point a new boy will waltz into my life so that while one cycle ends, another can begin. Yet I have found that it is hard to maintain faith that there is someone else out there. After compulsive efforts to replace him have been exhausted, a despair has set in and the idea that perhaps it wasn’t the color of the glasses or the height of the pedestal that made him so great… maybe he really is that special.

“If only what was wasn’t and what isn’t could be for just long enough to let me know what its like to know.”