I took a 1010 college English course when I was back in high school. One of our very first assignments we were asked to write a paper about a word that typically had one definition, but had a completely different meaning as defined by our own lives. I chose the word hope. For most people this word is synonymous with strength, optimism, or courage. My life experiences had taught me that hope lies more on an equal ground with foolishness and stupidity. It was a word that blindly led me into precarious and harmful situations because I was imprudent enough to believe that things could be different.
I learned pretty early in life that you can’t get your hopes up if you have no hope to begin with. For a long time I had this childish sense of idealism that had me believing that if I worked hard enough, I could achieve the things I wanted. It took some pitfalls for me to understand that while I can control my actions and the effort I put forth, I cannot control the outcome.
Needless to say I got an A on the paper, as my definition of the word hope so greatly varied the more renowned and accepted definition. These were my thoughts at the young age of 18, so what do I believe now six years later, at the ripened age of 24?
I think that there are two kinds of hope. There is the hope that motivates each of us to wake in the morning, a sort of innate belief that getting out of bed is going to be worth it. This hope is a reminder that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that on the other end of going to school is a good career and a better life. There is the prospect that even though this relationship didn’t work out, that there will be one that eventually does. This hope is a perseverance that helps each of us make it through the darker days and push forward in search for a brighter tomorrow.
Then there is the other hope… It is the hope keeps me holding onto something that has long since died. It is a delusional dream that patience will pay off, that if I keep quiet and wait long enough, my time will come, and things will change. Or it is a hope that has me beating a situation to death like some sort of control freak, trying to squeeze some sort of different response out of it, abusing this entity from every possible angle until I’ve achieved what I most desire… or until I have failed beyond any reason of doubt and all efforts are exhausted.
I’ve experienced both the dark and light side that hope has to offer. The paradox being that while the one hope has hurled me into the toughest times of my life, I rely completely on the other hope to pull me back out from the depths of darkness. With all the darker side of hope has taught you would think steer clear of it on a regular basis verses falling pray to it all too often. To this some might call me sentimental or a romantic, but I just know that no matter what I’ll always be a dreamer.
About Me
- Noelle Lani
- Life should be lived as play according to the phiolsopher Plato and me? I happen to agree. I am a very social person, I almost don't know how to communicate without flirting with people. I enjoy kicking back and spending a night in, but I'm also known for heading out for a night on the town, or just a midnight jaunt to the jungle gym. I believe that life is too short to be angry all the time, but you might often hear me complaining about some life stress. I think I just like to get things off my chest so I can move forward. Sometimes I write really dreary things because its easier and safer to be sad at the helm of my laptop, truly I am a happy person. I aim to be the life of the party, if I can get the crowd laughing and having a good time, then my work is done. It is my hope that my writing means something. I write because it makes me feel better, but at the end of the day if sharing one of my experiences can help someone else not feel so alone or help them learn from my mistakes, then I've created something worth while.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Thought journal: February 14th, 2011
7:02 AM
Is it that time already alarm clock. I could get out of bed right now. I probably should. I need a shower. If I were to get up now I could grab a shower and get ready, maybe looking nice will help today not suck.
7:03 AM
Nope, laying here feels too good, I’m going to school looking like a bum.
8:14
Man I messed up. I should have someone to spend today with. I can’t really blame anyone but myself for this. Why do I say the things I say? I wish he would text me back. Something, even if it was really mean, at least I would know he got my text. No, I’m not going to dwell on this, I have to get to school.
8:33 AM
I’m glad I made it to class, that test is going to suck on Wednesday, hopefully this review will help me know what to study. This test seems pretty daunting.
9:41 AM
Am I really having a bloody nose right now? What am I, 5 years old again? This bathroom smells awful. I really wish my nose wasn’t bleeding so I wouldn’t have to be in here. He still hasn’t text me. I know he’s busy. That’s why he’s not texting me… but what if its because of the awful things I said? I don’t really deserve anyone’s kindness right now.
9:45 AM
That girl was really nice to let me share her notes, too bad her hand writing reminds me of chicken scratch and I have no idea what she has written down. Muddling through these notes and adlibbing will have to do.
10:30 AM
Wow, note to self: never miss statistics class again.
10:35 AM
He’s still writing that equation on the board. Where did those numbers come from? What does that all mean? Is being able to do this stuff ever going to be useful? Oh no, he’s using the back up board. Should I be writing all this down? There isn’t enough room on my paper for this. Okay, look up instructions on how to use calculator, got it.
11:21 AM
Thank God school is over, I can’t wait to get home and back into bed, maybe I’ll pick up some food. Still no word. I shouldn’t let this bother me. Plenty of people are single, I’m not the only one. I don’t need anything special from anyone today, even if the lady in front of me has a bouquet of flowers and balloons, I don’t need that crap.
11:33 AM
I love Hug Hess, but I think their prices went up since I last came here. Oh well, its worth it. Maybe this will make my day better.
11:39 AM
Almost home. I can’t take the silence. I’ll just turn my phone off, at least then the nothing I hear will be on my terms.
12:15 PM
Mmmmm
12:25 PM
Maybe something is happening on facebook that can distract me from all this.
12:26 PM
Thanks facebook… for nothing.
12:28 PM
Man my face is broken out. I don’t usually have this many blemishes on my face but wow, maybe it isn’t such a bad thing that I’m single and hiding under the covers today, no make up could cover this mess.
12:30 PM
Really glad Spongebob is on, a nap sounds good right about now. I’ll just sleep this off.
Somewhere between 12:30 and 2:59 PM
Really weird dreams were happening. In one dream my dad was taking Chelsea and I to see a movie, if that wasn’t weird enough she was driving us through a snow storm in her little Hyundai and my dad was having us follow him. He went up ahead to park his truck, get out and direct traffic so we could safely make a left turn through the intersection. What does Chelsea do? She guns it.
On the snowy road we lost control and as the car was moving at high speeds toward the curb, I could feel us in the air, and flipping. We both went silent as I wait for the roof of the car to make contact with the ground, luckily it didn’t and we rolled at a high enough speed we landed back on our tires. But we were still on icy roads so we slid down this parking lot and toward a snow bank where the car finally came to a rest. I asked her if she was okay and she said yes, she had her seat belt on and so did I. I told her to put the car in park and not to move. My dad came running up and opened her door. He sounded really frustrated like he was going to scream at us but then he began complimenting my sister on her driving… weird. Then she asked if he was going to give her a kiss. He said, “no.”.. normal. But then he gave her a small kiss on the cheek… weird.
Somehow I wound up in a Chinese restaurant. Evidently I had left my drink there and I wanted to retrieve it. I guess we had eaten there earlier. I found some fortune cookies some guests had left behind so I ate some and read the fortunes… all the fortunes were foretelling of bad things to come. I began to wonder if that could explain why Chelsea and I were in that horrendous car accident. She was still back at the movie theater (I guess they had gone on without me?) so I set out in the snow storm for the movies to find out if she had kept the misfortune cookie and what it said.
In a later dream I dreamt that he finally contacted me… he called me and left me a voicemail telling me he wanted to explain to me his side of the story and why he felt like things happened the way they did. I was distraught that I had missed his call and was trying to call him back as quickly as possible, but he wouldn’t answer…
3:05
Its too hot. Stupid Valentine’s Spongebob. I don’t want to watch any Valentine’s crap today… Hey Toy Story is on.
3:33
I am so weak. I could never go a whole day without my cell phone. Moment of truth though, I wonder if anyone has anything to say. One text about shooting a commercial for my friend. My friend Chuck text me to let me know he got a new number… at least know he wants me to contact him. Oh wow, a phone call.
4:02
That was nice. At least one boy wanted to talk to me today. Oh wait, another text… a boy misses me. Too bad he lives in California… Two hey tell’s and a voicemail. He called. Well at least he called right? I really want to talk to him, but I don’t want it to just be a phone conversation. In text you lose the vocal tone and inflection, on the phone you lose facial expression and body language… I don’t know what to do.
4:09
Snack time.
4:19
Really? I walk downstairs and that’s when he calls? I was away from my phone for like 10 seconds! Now he wont answer. I swear I didn’t miss his call by that much… is it good that he’s calling? He probably just wants to get this over with so I’ll stop bugging him…
4:22 PM
I bet he does just want to get this out of the way. He obviously didn’t have time to talk when he called me a minute ago, if he had time to talk he would have answered … he’s calling.
4:39 PM
It was nice talking. Suspicions confirmed, I scared him away. He told me to remember that there are others that have it a lot worse off than I do and that I shouldn’t be moping. He’s probably right… maybe I’ll go to the gym. That might make me feel better.
4:45 PM
I’m going to the movies. This day doesn’t have to suck and I don’t have to spend it alone just because I’m single.
4:55 PM
How fated for this to be the first song that plays when my Ipod is on shuffle…
“Hoping I can run today and get away faster than ever from here.
Another night and who can say if leaving is better than living in fear?
Here’s to all the broken hearts tonight
Here’s to all the fall aparts tonight
Here’s to every girl and boy,
Who lost their joy
They let it get away!
You know its never too late
Get up and start all over again
You know its never too late
There’s gotta be a better way
Don’t settle for the cold and rain
Its not to late to start again
Find a way to smile
And never let it get away!”
5:58 PM
Ahh! Get ready faster!
7:03 PM
I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!!!
7:05 PM
Why on earth is the line so long???
Unknown time probably around 8:30
No not Minion! He can’t die!!!
8:40 PM
That was nice, I have good friends.
8:55 PM
Who does this guy think he is? It’s a green arrow, go you weiner!
9:12 PM
Hmm, Hug Hess sounds good.
9:34 PM
I forgot it was Monday, this is awesome, both my favorite shows are on.
10:09 PM
Feels good to shut my brain up.
10:51 PM
Back to the silence.
11:00 PM
What was I thinking texting him again. I should’ve known he wouldn’t respond… no, I can’t let this bring me down.
11:18 PM
Finicky phone. That’s all this is. No, he owes me nothing. That’s what this is. He doesn’t owe me a phone call. He said he would call me later, but maybe he was just saying it to say it… probably. I shouldn’t be sad. I wont be sad. I deserve this.
11:37 PM
Maybe I should be sad that tv makes me so happy.
11:45 PM
Narf, ha ha, that’s what Pinky used to say.
11:55 PM
I’m not going to hear from him tonight. I wish he would call like he said he would. I didn’t wash my face or change, I think I was hoping I would get to see him. What was I thinking.
11:59 PM
Day finally over… I survived.
Is it that time already alarm clock. I could get out of bed right now. I probably should. I need a shower. If I were to get up now I could grab a shower and get ready, maybe looking nice will help today not suck.
7:03 AM
Nope, laying here feels too good, I’m going to school looking like a bum.
8:14
Man I messed up. I should have someone to spend today with. I can’t really blame anyone but myself for this. Why do I say the things I say? I wish he would text me back. Something, even if it was really mean, at least I would know he got my text. No, I’m not going to dwell on this, I have to get to school.
8:33 AM
I’m glad I made it to class, that test is going to suck on Wednesday, hopefully this review will help me know what to study. This test seems pretty daunting.
9:41 AM
Am I really having a bloody nose right now? What am I, 5 years old again? This bathroom smells awful. I really wish my nose wasn’t bleeding so I wouldn’t have to be in here. He still hasn’t text me. I know he’s busy. That’s why he’s not texting me… but what if its because of the awful things I said? I don’t really deserve anyone’s kindness right now.
9:45 AM
That girl was really nice to let me share her notes, too bad her hand writing reminds me of chicken scratch and I have no idea what she has written down. Muddling through these notes and adlibbing will have to do.
10:30 AM
Wow, note to self: never miss statistics class again.
10:35 AM
He’s still writing that equation on the board. Where did those numbers come from? What does that all mean? Is being able to do this stuff ever going to be useful? Oh no, he’s using the back up board. Should I be writing all this down? There isn’t enough room on my paper for this. Okay, look up instructions on how to use calculator, got it.
11:21 AM
Thank God school is over, I can’t wait to get home and back into bed, maybe I’ll pick up some food. Still no word. I shouldn’t let this bother me. Plenty of people are single, I’m not the only one. I don’t need anything special from anyone today, even if the lady in front of me has a bouquet of flowers and balloons, I don’t need that crap.
11:33 AM
I love Hug Hess, but I think their prices went up since I last came here. Oh well, its worth it. Maybe this will make my day better.
11:39 AM
Almost home. I can’t take the silence. I’ll just turn my phone off, at least then the nothing I hear will be on my terms.
12:15 PM
Mmmmm
12:25 PM
Maybe something is happening on facebook that can distract me from all this.
12:26 PM
Thanks facebook… for nothing.
12:28 PM
Man my face is broken out. I don’t usually have this many blemishes on my face but wow, maybe it isn’t such a bad thing that I’m single and hiding under the covers today, no make up could cover this mess.
12:30 PM
Really glad Spongebob is on, a nap sounds good right about now. I’ll just sleep this off.
Somewhere between 12:30 and 2:59 PM
Really weird dreams were happening. In one dream my dad was taking Chelsea and I to see a movie, if that wasn’t weird enough she was driving us through a snow storm in her little Hyundai and my dad was having us follow him. He went up ahead to park his truck, get out and direct traffic so we could safely make a left turn through the intersection. What does Chelsea do? She guns it.
On the snowy road we lost control and as the car was moving at high speeds toward the curb, I could feel us in the air, and flipping. We both went silent as I wait for the roof of the car to make contact with the ground, luckily it didn’t and we rolled at a high enough speed we landed back on our tires. But we were still on icy roads so we slid down this parking lot and toward a snow bank where the car finally came to a rest. I asked her if she was okay and she said yes, she had her seat belt on and so did I. I told her to put the car in park and not to move. My dad came running up and opened her door. He sounded really frustrated like he was going to scream at us but then he began complimenting my sister on her driving… weird. Then she asked if he was going to give her a kiss. He said, “no.”.. normal. But then he gave her a small kiss on the cheek… weird.
Somehow I wound up in a Chinese restaurant. Evidently I had left my drink there and I wanted to retrieve it. I guess we had eaten there earlier. I found some fortune cookies some guests had left behind so I ate some and read the fortunes… all the fortunes were foretelling of bad things to come. I began to wonder if that could explain why Chelsea and I were in that horrendous car accident. She was still back at the movie theater (I guess they had gone on without me?) so I set out in the snow storm for the movies to find out if she had kept the misfortune cookie and what it said.
In a later dream I dreamt that he finally contacted me… he called me and left me a voicemail telling me he wanted to explain to me his side of the story and why he felt like things happened the way they did. I was distraught that I had missed his call and was trying to call him back as quickly as possible, but he wouldn’t answer…
3:05
Its too hot. Stupid Valentine’s Spongebob. I don’t want to watch any Valentine’s crap today… Hey Toy Story is on.
3:33
I am so weak. I could never go a whole day without my cell phone. Moment of truth though, I wonder if anyone has anything to say. One text about shooting a commercial for my friend. My friend Chuck text me to let me know he got a new number… at least know he wants me to contact him. Oh wow, a phone call.
4:02
That was nice. At least one boy wanted to talk to me today. Oh wait, another text… a boy misses me. Too bad he lives in California… Two hey tell’s and a voicemail. He called. Well at least he called right? I really want to talk to him, but I don’t want it to just be a phone conversation. In text you lose the vocal tone and inflection, on the phone you lose facial expression and body language… I don’t know what to do.
4:09
Snack time.
4:19
Really? I walk downstairs and that’s when he calls? I was away from my phone for like 10 seconds! Now he wont answer. I swear I didn’t miss his call by that much… is it good that he’s calling? He probably just wants to get this over with so I’ll stop bugging him…
4:22 PM
I bet he does just want to get this out of the way. He obviously didn’t have time to talk when he called me a minute ago, if he had time to talk he would have answered … he’s calling.
4:39 PM
It was nice talking. Suspicions confirmed, I scared him away. He told me to remember that there are others that have it a lot worse off than I do and that I shouldn’t be moping. He’s probably right… maybe I’ll go to the gym. That might make me feel better.
4:45 PM
I’m going to the movies. This day doesn’t have to suck and I don’t have to spend it alone just because I’m single.
4:55 PM
How fated for this to be the first song that plays when my Ipod is on shuffle…
“Hoping I can run today and get away faster than ever from here.
Another night and who can say if leaving is better than living in fear?
Here’s to all the broken hearts tonight
Here’s to all the fall aparts tonight
Here’s to every girl and boy,
Who lost their joy
They let it get away!
You know its never too late
Get up and start all over again
You know its never too late
There’s gotta be a better way
Don’t settle for the cold and rain
Its not to late to start again
Find a way to smile
And never let it get away!”
5:58 PM
Ahh! Get ready faster!
7:03 PM
I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!!!
7:05 PM
Why on earth is the line so long???
Unknown time probably around 8:30
No not Minion! He can’t die!!!
8:40 PM
That was nice, I have good friends.
8:55 PM
Who does this guy think he is? It’s a green arrow, go you weiner!
9:12 PM
Hmm, Hug Hess sounds good.
9:34 PM
I forgot it was Monday, this is awesome, both my favorite shows are on.
10:09 PM
Feels good to shut my brain up.
10:51 PM
Back to the silence.
11:00 PM
What was I thinking texting him again. I should’ve known he wouldn’t respond… no, I can’t let this bring me down.
11:18 PM
Finicky phone. That’s all this is. No, he owes me nothing. That’s what this is. He doesn’t owe me a phone call. He said he would call me later, but maybe he was just saying it to say it… probably. I shouldn’t be sad. I wont be sad. I deserve this.
11:37 PM
Maybe I should be sad that tv makes me so happy.
11:45 PM
Narf, ha ha, that’s what Pinky used to say.
11:55 PM
I’m not going to hear from him tonight. I wish he would call like he said he would. I didn’t wash my face or change, I think I was hoping I would get to see him. What was I thinking.
11:59 PM
Day finally over… I survived.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Proclamation to the boys...
To every guy who has ever held my heart, carelessly crushed it, and made me to believe I am anything less than I am, I say this… you will regret it.
I know that I am not graceful. I am not one who will stand poised and demure with a flawless elegance. Nor will I shyly smile or politely bat my eyes. I am not reserved or speak only when spoken to. I wont skirt around subjects or act as though I’ve no wit about me. I will not dote. I will not fawn. I will not swoon. I’m not one to lie in order to save face and at times my honesty can appear downright brutal. I’m not dainty or petite. My mannerisms are not refined, nor have I ever once been considered prim or proper. The only thing polished about me are my toe nails, this week I painted them purple.
There are many things I am not, but I will tell you what I am. I am loyal to those I care about, and have known to sacrifice my own happiness if only for the joy of a friend. I am loud and opinionated. There is rarely a subject matter I haven’t made my stance clear on. I am passionate and animated. In my eyes even the most insignificant matters of this world deserve a flamboyant hand gesture or two. I am low maintenance and prefer sweat pants to my skinny jeans any day. I wear my heart on my sleeve, its easy to know if I’m happy or not. I can be cynical, although I try to remain positive. I am honest and will tell it like it is because I believe that any harm caused from the truth is far less a harm suffered then that caused by a lie. I am smart and I will never play dumb because I pride myself far too much on any ounce of knowledge I have acquired. I am witty and love to jar with best of them, if I can make you laugh, I will love you forever. I am competitive, I am aggressive, I am boisterous, and like all things in my life, I go all in or not at all.
… but I am also insecure and I just want to know, that beyond all the things that I am not, and considering all the things that I am… I just want to know that its okay. That I am still good enough anyway.
I am worth something. I am something special. I am someone worth spending time with. I will always be more then good enough…
So to every guy who has ever given me cause to believe I am anything less than I am, know this… if you don’t like it, you can shove it.
I know that I am not graceful. I am not one who will stand poised and demure with a flawless elegance. Nor will I shyly smile or politely bat my eyes. I am not reserved or speak only when spoken to. I wont skirt around subjects or act as though I’ve no wit about me. I will not dote. I will not fawn. I will not swoon. I’m not one to lie in order to save face and at times my honesty can appear downright brutal. I’m not dainty or petite. My mannerisms are not refined, nor have I ever once been considered prim or proper. The only thing polished about me are my toe nails, this week I painted them purple.
There are many things I am not, but I will tell you what I am. I am loyal to those I care about, and have known to sacrifice my own happiness if only for the joy of a friend. I am loud and opinionated. There is rarely a subject matter I haven’t made my stance clear on. I am passionate and animated. In my eyes even the most insignificant matters of this world deserve a flamboyant hand gesture or two. I am low maintenance and prefer sweat pants to my skinny jeans any day. I wear my heart on my sleeve, its easy to know if I’m happy or not. I can be cynical, although I try to remain positive. I am honest and will tell it like it is because I believe that any harm caused from the truth is far less a harm suffered then that caused by a lie. I am smart and I will never play dumb because I pride myself far too much on any ounce of knowledge I have acquired. I am witty and love to jar with best of them, if I can make you laugh, I will love you forever. I am competitive, I am aggressive, I am boisterous, and like all things in my life, I go all in or not at all.
… but I am also insecure and I just want to know, that beyond all the things that I am not, and considering all the things that I am… I just want to know that its okay. That I am still good enough anyway.
I am worth something. I am something special. I am someone worth spending time with. I will always be more then good enough…
So to every guy who has ever given me cause to believe I am anything less than I am, know this… if you don’t like it, you can shove it.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A Chance at Happiness
A glint and a shimmer
As a freshly fallen snow
An opportunity gleams
A low and humble glow
A chance at happiness
Has just walked in the door
Played tag with my eyes
Then left me wanting more
Fun and games lost their luster
Gravity has set in
This ones the real deal
Time to play for the win
Play it cool like a cat
Stay aloof and at ease
Can’t let him see me sweat
Or my mind under seize
A-game at all times
Be gentle and coy
It wont be as easy
To win over this boy
Like a sweater unraveling
A tug on a string
I’ve lost all control
And smothered this thing
He wants to flee
I would do the same
If I couldn’t breath
With someone dousing my flame
Needy and clingy
Words I detest to no end
Describe me so perfect
And have become my best friends
My excitement uncontained
Here I broke my new toy
I’ve suffocated happiness
Then chased away joy
To dream for someone special
Then scare them away from me
Me efforts all for naught
For I’m my own worst enemy
As a freshly fallen snow
An opportunity gleams
A low and humble glow
A chance at happiness
Has just walked in the door
Played tag with my eyes
Then left me wanting more
Fun and games lost their luster
Gravity has set in
This ones the real deal
Time to play for the win
Play it cool like a cat
Stay aloof and at ease
Can’t let him see me sweat
Or my mind under seize
A-game at all times
Be gentle and coy
It wont be as easy
To win over this boy
Like a sweater unraveling
A tug on a string
I’ve lost all control
And smothered this thing
He wants to flee
I would do the same
If I couldn’t breath
With someone dousing my flame
Needy and clingy
Words I detest to no end
Describe me so perfect
And have become my best friends
My excitement uncontained
Here I broke my new toy
I’ve suffocated happiness
Then chased away joy
To dream for someone special
Then scare them away from me
Me efforts all for naught
For I’m my own worst enemy
Surrender to the butterflies
Always present is this creature stalking her prey, seeking a substance worth sinking her teeth into. Much like everyone around I am scraping this earth, crawling and fighting to find someone special. I want to find that certain someone that fits into the mold that has been born from failed relationship after failed relationship. Each ex taught me some things I do want in a relationship and out of a partner, but they also taught me even more things that I don’t want. Even after a creature stumbles into my life and has made it through customs and checking, I find myself seeking one final detail… does he give me butterflies? A hastening heart rate, fluttering in the abdomen, who would have thought that such an insignificant physiological reaction would carry such gravity?
The reality is that to find such a specimen who is capable of causing such a physical reaction and also meets my specific needs, is a rarity. The sadness is that as rare as it is for me to find such a guy, I am much more likely to invest myself in someone who falls just short of my every want and desire. It is the guy who gives me butterflies that can crush me. The dainty flutters in my tummy are a far cry from excitement, but more a warning sign to turn and run.
There is a sense of control and empowerment when I settle with someone. At anytime I can choose to walk away from this guy and think that I’m not missing out on anything because he wasn’t everything I wanted anyway. But when I have someone who elicits that feeling deep in my abdomen every time I see its him calling, I have lost that much more control and surrendered to the butterflies. Accompanied with this loss of control is the helplessness that there is nothing that can be done to stop it. An ominous feeling looms ahead foretelling that when this is over, I will not be walking away shrugging my shoulders, but rather left in a heap hugging my knees and begging why I ever dared to dream of a different outcome.
With every time I have found myself left in this pitiful stupor, I still continue to hope that maybe, just maybe one of them wont walk away. Maybe just once I wont turn and run from someone who could be my everything. Maybe this time it will be okay to surrender to the butterflies…
The reality is that to find such a specimen who is capable of causing such a physical reaction and also meets my specific needs, is a rarity. The sadness is that as rare as it is for me to find such a guy, I am much more likely to invest myself in someone who falls just short of my every want and desire. It is the guy who gives me butterflies that can crush me. The dainty flutters in my tummy are a far cry from excitement, but more a warning sign to turn and run.
There is a sense of control and empowerment when I settle with someone. At anytime I can choose to walk away from this guy and think that I’m not missing out on anything because he wasn’t everything I wanted anyway. But when I have someone who elicits that feeling deep in my abdomen every time I see its him calling, I have lost that much more control and surrendered to the butterflies. Accompanied with this loss of control is the helplessness that there is nothing that can be done to stop it. An ominous feeling looms ahead foretelling that when this is over, I will not be walking away shrugging my shoulders, but rather left in a heap hugging my knees and begging why I ever dared to dream of a different outcome.
With every time I have found myself left in this pitiful stupor, I still continue to hope that maybe, just maybe one of them wont walk away. Maybe just once I wont turn and run from someone who could be my everything. Maybe this time it will be okay to surrender to the butterflies…
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