Always present is this creature stalking her prey, seeking a substance worth sinking her teeth into. Much like everyone around I am scraping this earth, crawling and fighting to find someone special. I want to find that certain someone that fits into the mold that has been born from failed relationship after failed relationship. Each ex taught me some things I do want in a relationship and out of a partner, but they also taught me even more things that I don’t want. Even after a creature stumbles into my life and has made it through customs and checking, I find myself seeking one final detail… does he give me butterflies? A hastening heart rate, fluttering in the abdomen, who would have thought that such an insignificant physiological reaction would carry such gravity?
The reality is that to find such a specimen who is capable of causing such a physical reaction and also meets my specific needs, is a rarity. The sadness is that as rare as it is for me to find such a guy, I am much more likely to invest myself in someone who falls just short of my every want and desire. It is the guy who gives me butterflies that can crush me. The dainty flutters in my tummy are a far cry from excitement, but more a warning sign to turn and run.
There is a sense of control and empowerment when I settle with someone. At anytime I can choose to walk away from this guy and think that I’m not missing out on anything because he wasn’t everything I wanted anyway. But when I have someone who elicits that feeling deep in my abdomen every time I see its him calling, I have lost that much more control and surrendered to the butterflies. Accompanied with this loss of control is the helplessness that there is nothing that can be done to stop it. An ominous feeling looms ahead foretelling that when this is over, I will not be walking away shrugging my shoulders, but rather left in a heap hugging my knees and begging why I ever dared to dream of a different outcome.
With every time I have found myself left in this pitiful stupor, I still continue to hope that maybe, just maybe one of them wont walk away. Maybe just once I wont turn and run from someone who could be my everything. Maybe this time it will be okay to surrender to the butterflies…
About Me
- Noelle Lani
- Life should be lived as play according to the phiolsopher Plato and me? I happen to agree. I am a very social person, I almost don't know how to communicate without flirting with people. I enjoy kicking back and spending a night in, but I'm also known for heading out for a night on the town, or just a midnight jaunt to the jungle gym. I believe that life is too short to be angry all the time, but you might often hear me complaining about some life stress. I think I just like to get things off my chest so I can move forward. Sometimes I write really dreary things because its easier and safer to be sad at the helm of my laptop, truly I am a happy person. I aim to be the life of the party, if I can get the crowd laughing and having a good time, then my work is done. It is my hope that my writing means something. I write because it makes me feel better, but at the end of the day if sharing one of my experiences can help someone else not feel so alone or help them learn from my mistakes, then I've created something worth while.
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