Thought journal: February 14th, 2011

7:02 AM
Is it that time already alarm clock. I could get out of bed right now. I probably should. I need a shower. If I were to get up now I could grab a shower and get ready, maybe looking nice will help today not suck.

7:03 AM
Nope, laying here feels too good, I’m going to school looking like a bum.

8:14
Man I messed up. I should have someone to spend today with. I can’t really blame anyone but myself for this. Why do I say the things I say? I wish he would text me back. Something, even if it was really mean, at least I would know he got my text. No, I’m not going to dwell on this, I have to get to school.

8:33 AM
I’m glad I made it to class, that test is going to suck on Wednesday, hopefully this review will help me know what to study. This test seems pretty daunting.

9:41 AM
Am I really having a bloody nose right now? What am I, 5 years old again? This bathroom smells awful. I really wish my nose wasn’t bleeding so I wouldn’t have to be in here. He still hasn’t text me. I know he’s busy. That’s why he’s not texting me… but what if its because of the awful things I said? I don’t really deserve anyone’s kindness right now.

9:45 AM
That girl was really nice to let me share her notes, too bad her hand writing reminds me of chicken scratch and I have no idea what she has written down. Muddling through these notes and adlibbing will have to do.

10:30 AM
Wow, note to self: never miss statistics class again.

10:35 AM
He’s still writing that equation on the board. Where did those numbers come from? What does that all mean? Is being able to do this stuff ever going to be useful? Oh no, he’s using the back up board. Should I be writing all this down? There isn’t enough room on my paper for this. Okay, look up instructions on how to use calculator, got it.

11:21 AM
Thank God school is over, I can’t wait to get home and back into bed, maybe I’ll pick up some food. Still no word. I shouldn’t let this bother me. Plenty of people are single, I’m not the only one. I don’t need anything special from anyone today, even if the lady in front of me has a bouquet of flowers and balloons, I don’t need that crap.

11:33 AM
I love Hug Hess, but I think their prices went up since I last came here. Oh well, its worth it. Maybe this will make my day better.

11:39 AM
Almost home. I can’t take the silence. I’ll just turn my phone off, at least then the nothing I hear will be on my terms.

12:15 PM
Mmmmm

12:25 PM
Maybe something is happening on facebook that can distract me from all this.

12:26 PM
Thanks facebook… for nothing.

12:28 PM
Man my face is broken out. I don’t usually have this many blemishes on my face but wow, maybe it isn’t such a bad thing that I’m single and hiding under the covers today, no make up could cover this mess.

12:30 PM
Really glad Spongebob is on, a nap sounds good right about now. I’ll just sleep this off.
Somewhere between 12:30 and 2:59 PM
Really weird dreams were happening. In one dream my dad was taking Chelsea and I to see a movie, if that wasn’t weird enough she was driving us through a snow storm in her little Hyundai and my dad was having us follow him. He went up ahead to park his truck, get out and direct traffic so we could safely make a left turn through the intersection. What does Chelsea do? She guns it.

On the snowy road we lost control and as the car was moving at high speeds toward the curb, I could feel us in the air, and flipping. We both went silent as I wait for the roof of the car to make contact with the ground, luckily it didn’t and we rolled at a high enough speed we landed back on our tires. But we were still on icy roads so we slid down this parking lot and toward a snow bank where the car finally came to a rest. I asked her if she was okay and she said yes, she had her seat belt on and so did I. I told her to put the car in park and not to move. My dad came running up and opened her door. He sounded really frustrated like he was going to scream at us but then he began complimenting my sister on her driving… weird. Then she asked if he was going to give her a kiss. He said, “no.”.. normal. But then he gave her a small kiss on the cheek… weird.

Somehow I wound up in a Chinese restaurant. Evidently I had left my drink there and I wanted to retrieve it. I guess we had eaten there earlier. I found some fortune cookies some guests had left behind so I ate some and read the fortunes… all the fortunes were foretelling of bad things to come. I began to wonder if that could explain why Chelsea and I were in that horrendous car accident. She was still back at the movie theater (I guess they had gone on without me?) so I set out in the snow storm for the movies to find out if she had kept the misfortune cookie and what it said.

In a later dream I dreamt that he finally contacted me… he called me and left me a voicemail telling me he wanted to explain to me his side of the story and why he felt like things happened the way they did. I was distraught that I had missed his call and was trying to call him back as quickly as possible, but he wouldn’t answer…

3:05
Its too hot. Stupid Valentine’s Spongebob. I don’t want to watch any Valentine’s crap today… Hey Toy Story is on.

3:33
I am so weak. I could never go a whole day without my cell phone. Moment of truth though, I wonder if anyone has anything to say. One text about shooting a commercial for my friend. My friend Chuck text me to let me know he got a new number… at least know he wants me to contact him. Oh wow, a phone call.

4:02
That was nice. At least one boy wanted to talk to me today. Oh wait, another text… a boy misses me. Too bad he lives in California… Two hey tell’s and a voicemail. He called. Well at least he called right? I really want to talk to him, but I don’t want it to just be a phone conversation. In text you lose the vocal tone and inflection, on the phone you lose facial expression and body language… I don’t know what to do.

4:09
Snack time.

4:19
Really? I walk downstairs and that’s when he calls? I was away from my phone for like 10 seconds! Now he wont answer. I swear I didn’t miss his call by that much… is it good that he’s calling? He probably just wants to get this over with so I’ll stop bugging him…

4:22 PM
I bet he does just want to get this out of the way. He obviously didn’t have time to talk when he called me a minute ago, if he had time to talk he would have answered … he’s calling.

4:39 PM
It was nice talking. Suspicions confirmed, I scared him away. He told me to remember that there are others that have it a lot worse off than I do and that I shouldn’t be moping. He’s probably right… maybe I’ll go to the gym. That might make me feel better.

4:45 PM
I’m going to the movies. This day doesn’t have to suck and I don’t have to spend it alone just because I’m single.

4:55 PM
How fated for this to be the first song that plays when my Ipod is on shuffle…
“Hoping I can run today and get away faster than ever from here.
Another night and who can say if leaving is better than living in fear?

Here’s to all the broken hearts tonight
Here’s to all the fall aparts tonight
Here’s to every girl and boy,
Who lost their joy
They let it get away!

You know its never too late
Get up and start all over again
You know its never too late
There’s gotta be a better way
Don’t settle for the cold and rain
Its not to late to start again
Find a way to smile
And never let it get away!”

5:58 PM
Ahh! Get ready faster!

7:03 PM
I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!!!

7:05 PM
Why on earth is the line so long???
Unknown time probably around 8:30
No not Minion! He can’t die!!!

8:40 PM
That was nice, I have good friends.

8:55 PM
Who does this guy think he is? It’s a green arrow, go you weiner!

9:12 PM
Hmm, Hug Hess sounds good.

9:34 PM
I forgot it was Monday, this is awesome, both my favorite shows are on.

10:09 PM
Feels good to shut my brain up.

10:51 PM
Back to the silence.

11:00 PM
What was I thinking texting him again. I should’ve known he wouldn’t respond… no, I can’t let this bring me down.

11:18 PM
Finicky phone. That’s all this is. No, he owes me nothing. That’s what this is. He doesn’t owe me a phone call. He said he would call me later, but maybe he was just saying it to say it… probably. I shouldn’t be sad. I wont be sad. I deserve this.

11:37 PM
Maybe I should be sad that tv makes me so happy.

11:45 PM
Narf, ha ha, that’s what Pinky used to say.

11:55 PM
I’m not going to hear from him tonight. I wish he would call like he said he would. I didn’t wash my face or change, I think I was hoping I would get to see him. What was I thinking.

11:59 PM
Day finally over… I survived.