Day 4

Day 4

Today I woke up feeling hopeful. Don’t be confused, this hopeful has nothing to do with the ever allusive stage of grief known as acceptance. No, I have a feeling I’m slipping back into denial. And why not? Freud theorized a number of defense mechanisms, denial being one of them. Sometimes life’s stresses are much too painful for our psyche to properly deal with. Why the hell not? Why not just stuff it all away and pretend like its not really happening?

Regardless of why I’m feeling hopeful, I’m embracing it. If anything it might give me the courage to do something about it. I’ve been contemplating all morning contacting him. I broke down and text him last night, then hurried and text him about a minute later and told him to ignore my text. This morning?… I don’t know… I just feel like if he really loves me, that doesn’t just go away… you don’t just stop loving someone even though you might be completely angry with them and have a hard time trusting them, you don’t just stop loving them… that being said, I feel like I have to let him know that I’ll do anything it takes to get him back. I’ve never been one to just roll over, so why start now.

The only problem is I see this going one of two ways. He could respond to me. I don’t know how he could respond, I guess there are “sub” ways of this going depending on how responds if he does. He could get frustrated that I’m texting him (yet again) even after I promised him I wouldn’t and lash out, telling me not to contact him and give him the space he needs. Or he could be indifferent. Or he could be glad I’m texting, that he misses me and does really want to talk to me (that is the outcome I’m dying for). Lastly, he could not respond at all and just ignore me.

The troublesome thing here is that nearly every plausible response (or no response) he could give me, will shoot me right out of this hopeful state and right back into the dark isolation of my bedroom, and yet there is only one response that will make me happy… the odds are stacked against me, but after everything that has happened and after everything that I’ve done, I figure, what have I got to lose? I owe it to him to show him how much I really love him and how much he really means to me, even if he chooses to do nothing with it and I continue hurting like I am… at least I’ll know I did something.

Day 3

Day 3

I’m really tired, probably because I just woke up. I think I’m starting to develop a cough which I am not happy about, but it stands to reason. I’m pretty good at physically punishing my body when it comes to the gym but nothing damages my immune system more then when my heart is broken. Its like adding insult to injury but I suppose its normal.

I can say I haven’t cried yet today, which isn’t THAT much of an accomplishment, seeing as I woke up about a half an hour ago, but I will hold onto it. I do believe I am getting better with the crying. Day one I was highly edgy and likely to cry at anyone or anything. I found myself in the bathroom at work on 10 different occasions trying to pull myself together. Country music is not ideal for healing a broken heart, if anything it just exacerbates the situation.

Yesterday I experienced some anger over the breakup and I believe at some point I began to blame him for everything, where as before I was blaming myself for everything and was utterly miserable at the bleak existence I saw before me. What are the five stages of grief?

Denial: He told me we were done. I wouldn’t get out of his car because I refused to acknowledge or accept that very sentence. It couldn’t be true, there was no way. He loved me and I loved him, people who love each other don’t break up? I’ve never had someone love me break up with me.. Its always the ones that don’t love me that break my heart… he can’t be breaking up with me.

Anger: Which I experience yesterday. I began to blame him. This is his fault that this happened. It is his inexperience in relationships and his hypocrisy regarding forgiveness that have lead to our demise. He’s not perfect, but I forgave him for it, why can’t he forgive me for being imperfect and making a mistake?

Bargaining: I did make a deal or two with God on this one, the deals I made had more to do with relieving me of the pain then of bringing him back to me. No matter how much I am drowning in my sorrows I can’t expect God to dismiss the free agency of another human being. I know God wants to see me happy, but making that boy come back to me is just something He wont do. Instead I made bargains in order to get me out of this hellish nightmare sooner, rather than later.

Depression: Oh yes, I was in this one for about 48 hours straight it felt like. It felt like I couldn’t breath, like I couldn’t open my eyes without a steady flow of tears falling out. Sometimes, so exhausted from crying, I just laid there numb while I played everything over and over again in my head. I still feel depressed… I still feel helpless because there is nothing I can do. I no longer have control, I’m just chained to my sadness that I drag with me where ever I go…

Acceptance:.. I don’t know that I’ve reached this yet. Maybe I have. I have begun to smile again. Part of me wonders if I shouldn’t be doing that. If I should just be wallowing in all my heartache. Its as if I believe that I need to continue being sad for just long enough in order for him to see how much I really love him, and maybe then he’ll take me back… Does accepting this mean I’m ready to go out and face the world once more? Because I don’t really feel ready to do that. I can handle strangers, but people I know? What do I tell them? Do I tell them anything? Dear God what if they ask about him? Do I tell them what happened? I don’t know that I’ve met acceptance yet…

I have had a few friends contact me via text and I’ve relayed to them what happened. Each of them have told me that he didn’t really love me and that he was looking for a way out, and I presented him with a decent enough reason to drop me… but if he really loved me then he’d find a way to forgive me.

Is paranoia one of the stages of grief and loss?

Day 3- Continued

The not crying didn’t last long. I skipped school today, somehow got out of work, and I’m still in bed. I saw some new pictures of him on facebook, some pictures a friend posted. I deleted him because I knew I would just torture myself by looking at his profile, but I didn’t account for my friend posting pictures of him. These pictures were taken yesterday… he is smiling and happy… he is just fine and its killing me.

I’d rather be angry… I’d rather be mad at him because at least then I feel like I might survive this. Like I might be okay… I miss him so much. I just want him back. I don’t know why this is happening. Word to the wise, don’t ever text your ex, it will never be received well. I don’t think I cheated. I know what I did was wrong, but in my heart of hearts I know I didn’t cheat, if ever I had the opportunity to cheat, I wouldn’t have taken it… I just text the guy and now my life is ruined… I never thought this would happen again. I don’t this to ever happen again. I’m just going to be alone because I can’t do this. I am going to fail all my classes…. I’m a terrible student, the worst excuse for a girlfriend that ever existed, and a pitiful human being… I just don’t want to hurt anymore

Day 2

Day 2

Today I don’t feel like dying, granted I did go work out this morning and then I came home, slept, didn’t turn in my homework assignment and didn’t go to class, but I feel alright. I’m thinking this is probably due in part to the fact that I got the opportunity to talk to him last night.

I felt as though I needed to rid myself of any objects, pictures, or things that reminded me of him. My initial plan was to drop the things off at his apartment, but it turned out he was at his mom’s house. How do I know? Because he called…. The absolute horror that crept into my heart when my phone rang in my apron and I checked it to see it was him. What could he want? Is he torturing me some more? Or has he had a turn around and wants to forgive me, maybe even take me back? I couldn’t handle the endless number of possible options, I needed to get off work fast. Upon calling him I learned the information he was at his mom’s and was fine with me dropping some things off.

I planned on just leaving the things on the porch and then driving away, but he didn’t allow me that option, he wanted to see me…. So we talked… and talked… and talked… I learned is that I wasn’t forgiven, and any hope I’d had was wasteful. The least comforting thing to hear is, “You’re going to be fine, you’ll find another guy.”… thanks. I don’t want another guy, but I’m just oh so super grateful for the confidence you have in just throwing me away to the next unsuspecting fool, feels great.

The next bomb he dropped was that we could still be friends… immediately I refused. That is a long road of absolute pain, lined with the hope and promise of a brighter tomorrow, but no guarantee that it will happen.

While I was driving home I couldn’t take it, I told him that I would be friends, that I would do whatever it took to earn back his trust… but I’m terrified… I’m afraid that what is going to happen is I’m going to sit back and watch him date other girls and have to keep a happy face, no matter how much its killing me inside. I’m afraid that I’m going to do everything I can to make him trust me, even if it means eliminating my social life and just going to school or working… I’m afraid that when is all said and done I will be awarded nothing but a thank you and a heartfelt goodbye while he runs off with another girl, and once more I will be left picking up the pieces.

I am in limbo. I’m torn between the hope that just maybe, just maybe this could work, and I can have him back, and the terror that this could just hurt me twice as bad as it did originally… I’m worried I may have made a serious mistake in agreeing to be friends, but at the very least I can say I haven’t cried today.

Day 1

Day 1- 12 hours after the break up

The pain always seems worse, as though there is no recollection from past experiences as to just how much it really hurts. My head ache is incessant and tears always seem to be welling up, just waiting for an excuse to escape the corners of my eyes. I feel hungry sometimes, but nothing really sounds good. The idea of eating anything just makes me kind of nauseous. When I woke up this morning and after I finally came to my senses, I realized last night wasn’t a horrible dream, it was a reality, my heart began to race and I felt sick… I still feel sick.

I’ve been watching a lot of tv or sleeping. The more I allow myself to think about it, the more I find myself in an inconsolable fit. My body already hurts all over and the sobbing does nothing for my head ache. I would rather just sit here, in the dark, watching Forrest Gump.

No contact has been made for about 10 hours. I want to call, but I don’t need to add crazy or stalker to my repertoire. I am a mess and miserable beyond any comprehension of the word, but that is no excuse to behave like a crazy person… so the silence must continue, more so out of respect for him.

I haven’t done much to try and get work off for today. Working is not really an option. I can’t really keep it together. I asked a co-worker… a good friend, if he could help me get my shift covered, but to no avail. My only option now is calling in sick, which isn’t necessarily a lie… I feel very sick.

I’m not sure how I’m going to get my school work done. Part of me is beginning to wonder if I can go talk to a counselor at school and just write this semester off as a bust. I’ve had friends go to the psychologists at school and be allowed to withdraw halfway through the semester due to anxiety or stress.

I’m feeling large amounts of humiliation. I don’t really want to leave the confines of my room. I didn’t go to church today because I don’t want anyone to see me. Everyone is so friendly, I just know that I would be greeted with a smile, and asked how I was doing, which undoubtedly would lead to a complete melt down… I cannot allow myself to detract from the spirit everyone else is feeling by crying like that…

I am grateful for my mom and my sister. Who sat with me last night into the wee hours, trying to calm me down. It hurts me that they have to see me this way, wallowing in despair. No matter how helpless they felt, the continued to sit with me and talk to me. My mom downplayed the mistakes I made, reminding me that I’m not the first person in the world to have ever made a mistake while my sister rubbed my aching neck and head. They offered words of comfort and support. I don’t know what I would have done without them. I love them and I feel blessed to have two such wonderful women in my life to take care of me when my mistakes land me in such heart wrenching predicaments.

I have only told one friend, my co-worker, but I feel blessed to have him as a friend. I’m not really close enough with any of my co-workers to ask for such a favor during such a vulnerable time, but he and I have been friends for some time now, and this isn’t the first time he’s seen me reduced to such a pitiful state.

This is just the first day. My past experiences have taught me that the first day is one of the worst days, but will also have to get even worse then this before it can get better. I need to rely on others because I can’t do this alone… I just can’t do it.

Please tell me that I'm bad

Please tell me that I’m bad
Remind me when I’m weak
Announce my imperfections
Paint the picture stark and bleak

I’m not one for tactfulness
And I’m known for being blunt
My words cut like a razor
A sharp, well witted stunt

Emotions get the best of me
I act before I think
Always say what’s on my mind
I’m viscous while I speak

My opinion is always known
Whether asked of me or not
And if you don’t agree with me
My temper can grow hot

I can give a single look
A warning if you will
That if you provoke me
A hurt you’ll begin to feel

I’m not one to forgive others
Especially when I’m hurt
I’ll hold onto that grudge for long
Until the bridge is burnt

I’m too sensitive to function
I throw pity parties for fun
No one else is invited
There’s room for only one

I indulge in self loathing
I’m the last one I’ll forgive
My stupidity entraps me
And never lets me live

Please tell me that I’m bad
End my dreaming of
That happily ever after
I’m just too flawed to ever love

10/14/2011