Day 2

Day 2

Today I don’t feel like dying, granted I did go work out this morning and then I came home, slept, didn’t turn in my homework assignment and didn’t go to class, but I feel alright. I’m thinking this is probably due in part to the fact that I got the opportunity to talk to him last night.

I felt as though I needed to rid myself of any objects, pictures, or things that reminded me of him. My initial plan was to drop the things off at his apartment, but it turned out he was at his mom’s house. How do I know? Because he called…. The absolute horror that crept into my heart when my phone rang in my apron and I checked it to see it was him. What could he want? Is he torturing me some more? Or has he had a turn around and wants to forgive me, maybe even take me back? I couldn’t handle the endless number of possible options, I needed to get off work fast. Upon calling him I learned the information he was at his mom’s and was fine with me dropping some things off.

I planned on just leaving the things on the porch and then driving away, but he didn’t allow me that option, he wanted to see me…. So we talked… and talked… and talked… I learned is that I wasn’t forgiven, and any hope I’d had was wasteful. The least comforting thing to hear is, “You’re going to be fine, you’ll find another guy.”… thanks. I don’t want another guy, but I’m just oh so super grateful for the confidence you have in just throwing me away to the next unsuspecting fool, feels great.

The next bomb he dropped was that we could still be friends… immediately I refused. That is a long road of absolute pain, lined with the hope and promise of a brighter tomorrow, but no guarantee that it will happen.

While I was driving home I couldn’t take it, I told him that I would be friends, that I would do whatever it took to earn back his trust… but I’m terrified… I’m afraid that what is going to happen is I’m going to sit back and watch him date other girls and have to keep a happy face, no matter how much its killing me inside. I’m afraid that I’m going to do everything I can to make him trust me, even if it means eliminating my social life and just going to school or working… I’m afraid that when is all said and done I will be awarded nothing but a thank you and a heartfelt goodbye while he runs off with another girl, and once more I will be left picking up the pieces.

I am in limbo. I’m torn between the hope that just maybe, just maybe this could work, and I can have him back, and the terror that this could just hurt me twice as bad as it did originally… I’m worried I may have made a serious mistake in agreeing to be friends, but at the very least I can say I haven’t cried today.