Day 4
Today I woke up feeling hopeful. Don’t be confused, this hopeful has nothing to do with the ever allusive stage of grief known as acceptance. No, I have a feeling I’m slipping back into denial. And why not? Freud theorized a number of defense mechanisms, denial being one of them. Sometimes life’s stresses are much too painful for our psyche to properly deal with. Why the hell not? Why not just stuff it all away and pretend like its not really happening?
Regardless of why I’m feeling hopeful, I’m embracing it. If anything it might give me the courage to do something about it. I’ve been contemplating all morning contacting him. I broke down and text him last night, then hurried and text him about a minute later and told him to ignore my text. This morning?… I don’t know… I just feel like if he really loves me, that doesn’t just go away… you don’t just stop loving someone even though you might be completely angry with them and have a hard time trusting them, you don’t just stop loving them… that being said, I feel like I have to let him know that I’ll do anything it takes to get him back. I’ve never been one to just roll over, so why start now.
The only problem is I see this going one of two ways. He could respond to me. I don’t know how he could respond, I guess there are “sub” ways of this going depending on how responds if he does. He could get frustrated that I’m texting him (yet again) even after I promised him I wouldn’t and lash out, telling me not to contact him and give him the space he needs. Or he could be indifferent. Or he could be glad I’m texting, that he misses me and does really want to talk to me (that is the outcome I’m dying for). Lastly, he could not respond at all and just ignore me.
The troublesome thing here is that nearly every plausible response (or no response) he could give me, will shoot me right out of this hopeful state and right back into the dark isolation of my bedroom, and yet there is only one response that will make me happy… the odds are stacked against me, but after everything that has happened and after everything that I’ve done, I figure, what have I got to lose? I owe it to him to show him how much I really love him and how much he really means to me, even if he chooses to do nothing with it and I continue hurting like I am… at least I’ll know I did something.
About Me
- Noelle Lani
- Life should be lived as play according to the phiolsopher Plato and me? I happen to agree. I am a very social person, I almost don't know how to communicate without flirting with people. I enjoy kicking back and spending a night in, but I'm also known for heading out for a night on the town, or just a midnight jaunt to the jungle gym. I believe that life is too short to be angry all the time, but you might often hear me complaining about some life stress. I think I just like to get things off my chest so I can move forward. Sometimes I write really dreary things because its easier and safer to be sad at the helm of my laptop, truly I am a happy person. I aim to be the life of the party, if I can get the crowd laughing and having a good time, then my work is done. It is my hope that my writing means something. I write because it makes me feel better, but at the end of the day if sharing one of my experiences can help someone else not feel so alone or help them learn from my mistakes, then I've created something worth while.
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