Day 1

Day 1- 12 hours after the break up

The pain always seems worse, as though there is no recollection from past experiences as to just how much it really hurts. My head ache is incessant and tears always seem to be welling up, just waiting for an excuse to escape the corners of my eyes. I feel hungry sometimes, but nothing really sounds good. The idea of eating anything just makes me kind of nauseous. When I woke up this morning and after I finally came to my senses, I realized last night wasn’t a horrible dream, it was a reality, my heart began to race and I felt sick… I still feel sick.

I’ve been watching a lot of tv or sleeping. The more I allow myself to think about it, the more I find myself in an inconsolable fit. My body already hurts all over and the sobbing does nothing for my head ache. I would rather just sit here, in the dark, watching Forrest Gump.

No contact has been made for about 10 hours. I want to call, but I don’t need to add crazy or stalker to my repertoire. I am a mess and miserable beyond any comprehension of the word, but that is no excuse to behave like a crazy person… so the silence must continue, more so out of respect for him.

I haven’t done much to try and get work off for today. Working is not really an option. I can’t really keep it together. I asked a co-worker… a good friend, if he could help me get my shift covered, but to no avail. My only option now is calling in sick, which isn’t necessarily a lie… I feel very sick.

I’m not sure how I’m going to get my school work done. Part of me is beginning to wonder if I can go talk to a counselor at school and just write this semester off as a bust. I’ve had friends go to the psychologists at school and be allowed to withdraw halfway through the semester due to anxiety or stress.

I’m feeling large amounts of humiliation. I don’t really want to leave the confines of my room. I didn’t go to church today because I don’t want anyone to see me. Everyone is so friendly, I just know that I would be greeted with a smile, and asked how I was doing, which undoubtedly would lead to a complete melt down… I cannot allow myself to detract from the spirit everyone else is feeling by crying like that…

I am grateful for my mom and my sister. Who sat with me last night into the wee hours, trying to calm me down. It hurts me that they have to see me this way, wallowing in despair. No matter how helpless they felt, the continued to sit with me and talk to me. My mom downplayed the mistakes I made, reminding me that I’m not the first person in the world to have ever made a mistake while my sister rubbed my aching neck and head. They offered words of comfort and support. I don’t know what I would have done without them. I love them and I feel blessed to have two such wonderful women in my life to take care of me when my mistakes land me in such heart wrenching predicaments.

I have only told one friend, my co-worker, but I feel blessed to have him as a friend. I’m not really close enough with any of my co-workers to ask for such a favor during such a vulnerable time, but he and I have been friends for some time now, and this isn’t the first time he’s seen me reduced to such a pitiful state.

This is just the first day. My past experiences have taught me that the first day is one of the worst days, but will also have to get even worse then this before it can get better. I need to rely on others because I can’t do this alone… I just can’t do it.