Day 3

Day 3

I’m really tired, probably because I just woke up. I think I’m starting to develop a cough which I am not happy about, but it stands to reason. I’m pretty good at physically punishing my body when it comes to the gym but nothing damages my immune system more then when my heart is broken. Its like adding insult to injury but I suppose its normal.

I can say I haven’t cried yet today, which isn’t THAT much of an accomplishment, seeing as I woke up about a half an hour ago, but I will hold onto it. I do believe I am getting better with the crying. Day one I was highly edgy and likely to cry at anyone or anything. I found myself in the bathroom at work on 10 different occasions trying to pull myself together. Country music is not ideal for healing a broken heart, if anything it just exacerbates the situation.

Yesterday I experienced some anger over the breakup and I believe at some point I began to blame him for everything, where as before I was blaming myself for everything and was utterly miserable at the bleak existence I saw before me. What are the five stages of grief?

Denial: He told me we were done. I wouldn’t get out of his car because I refused to acknowledge or accept that very sentence. It couldn’t be true, there was no way. He loved me and I loved him, people who love each other don’t break up? I’ve never had someone love me break up with me.. Its always the ones that don’t love me that break my heart… he can’t be breaking up with me.

Anger: Which I experience yesterday. I began to blame him. This is his fault that this happened. It is his inexperience in relationships and his hypocrisy regarding forgiveness that have lead to our demise. He’s not perfect, but I forgave him for it, why can’t he forgive me for being imperfect and making a mistake?

Bargaining: I did make a deal or two with God on this one, the deals I made had more to do with relieving me of the pain then of bringing him back to me. No matter how much I am drowning in my sorrows I can’t expect God to dismiss the free agency of another human being. I know God wants to see me happy, but making that boy come back to me is just something He wont do. Instead I made bargains in order to get me out of this hellish nightmare sooner, rather than later.

Depression: Oh yes, I was in this one for about 48 hours straight it felt like. It felt like I couldn’t breath, like I couldn’t open my eyes without a steady flow of tears falling out. Sometimes, so exhausted from crying, I just laid there numb while I played everything over and over again in my head. I still feel depressed… I still feel helpless because there is nothing I can do. I no longer have control, I’m just chained to my sadness that I drag with me where ever I go…

Acceptance:.. I don’t know that I’ve reached this yet. Maybe I have. I have begun to smile again. Part of me wonders if I shouldn’t be doing that. If I should just be wallowing in all my heartache. Its as if I believe that I need to continue being sad for just long enough in order for him to see how much I really love him, and maybe then he’ll take me back… Does accepting this mean I’m ready to go out and face the world once more? Because I don’t really feel ready to do that. I can handle strangers, but people I know? What do I tell them? Do I tell them anything? Dear God what if they ask about him? Do I tell them what happened? I don’t know that I’ve met acceptance yet…

I have had a few friends contact me via text and I’ve relayed to them what happened. Each of them have told me that he didn’t really love me and that he was looking for a way out, and I presented him with a decent enough reason to drop me… but if he really loved me then he’d find a way to forgive me.

Is paranoia one of the stages of grief and loss?

Day 3- Continued

The not crying didn’t last long. I skipped school today, somehow got out of work, and I’m still in bed. I saw some new pictures of him on facebook, some pictures a friend posted. I deleted him because I knew I would just torture myself by looking at his profile, but I didn’t account for my friend posting pictures of him. These pictures were taken yesterday… he is smiling and happy… he is just fine and its killing me.

I’d rather be angry… I’d rather be mad at him because at least then I feel like I might survive this. Like I might be okay… I miss him so much. I just want him back. I don’t know why this is happening. Word to the wise, don’t ever text your ex, it will never be received well. I don’t think I cheated. I know what I did was wrong, but in my heart of hearts I know I didn’t cheat, if ever I had the opportunity to cheat, I wouldn’t have taken it… I just text the guy and now my life is ruined… I never thought this would happen again. I don’t this to ever happen again. I’m just going to be alone because I can’t do this. I am going to fail all my classes…. I’m a terrible student, the worst excuse for a girlfriend that ever existed, and a pitiful human being… I just don’t want to hurt anymore